Doll & Associates, S.C. - Dealing with Your Teen's Changing Moods

Don't demand that your teen talk. Not only is impossible to enforce, but it makes you look like a drill sergeant. When was the last time you had a deep conversation with a drill sergeant? Honest, open communication requires you to respect a teen as much as you expect the same.

Don't mind-read your teen’s thoughts. Example: “You’re upset because you didn’t get your way.” Remember how insulted you feel when others tell you what you’re feeling or judge your motives.

Don't label or minimize your teen’s feelings. “You’re so touchy and moody all the time!” or “You get so upset about the silliest things.” “Sometimes, you’re just a crybaby!” These sorts of comments are harmful and are a primary reason why teens stop communicating openly with parents. In short, they feel judged before they even open their mouths.

Don't comment on a teen’s demeanor or facial expression in a belittling or irritated way. “You have such a bad attitude.” “You always have such a sour expression on your face.” It is preferable to highlight what their demeanor indicates to you. “You seem down right now.”

Don't offer food as a resource in times of strain. The message that food can solve emotional problems is simplistic. Humans are complex beings, and food does not solve any complex problem. This may seem condescending and lazy to a teen who has a tough problem to work out.

Don't spend time cajoling your teen to try to change his/her mood. Again, your young adult has complex issues to work out just like you. Adolescents will often hang onto a bad mood while their families clown around trying to pull them out of it, as if to say, “My feelings are important. You cannot take them away with simple stunts!” If your teen responds to humor and friendly teasing, this can be helpful, but watch out if your teen becomes irritated.

Don't change your household around and cancel plans in order to support a moody teen. That kind of power is almost irresistible to most of us. The message you want to send is that each person is responsible for managing their emotions. Your boss doesn’t stop work on a day that you’re in a touchy mood!

Instead of the above, try these openers that really work:

Say what you see – it’s called reflective communication:
“ I notice you’re a little quiet.”
“ You didn’t amuse us at dinner like you usually do.”
“ You’ve been in your room all day.”
“ You don’t seem like yourself.”

Polite Inquiry - this a gentle probe that respects a teen’s personal space:

“ Is something wrong? Would you like to talk about it with me?
(stony silence follows)
Parent reaches out silently to touch in some harmless way: a hug, a hand on the knee, an arm around the shoulder.
(continued silence)
“ It doesn’t seem like you’re ready to talk with someone right now. Would you prefer me to let you be?”
(teen nods)
Cheerfully, “Okay, I’ll be in the kitchen if you decide you want to talk.”
Two hours later—“Are you okay?
(silence)
“ You might feel better if you talk to someone. It doesn’t have to be me. Why don’t you call a friend?”

Give ideas for coping with feelings: “ What can I do to help you control your mood? Would you like to get outdoors with me or run an errand? Sometimes, I have to get a break from my problem so I can come back to it with more clear thinking later.” “Are you sure that time alone is helping you feel better? You may want to switch plans now.” “If you can share what’s going on, I promise I will listen, not lecture.”

Praise your teen’s coping whenever you can. Letting your teen know what mature coping looks like is as valuable as correcting poor coping.
“ You handled your brother’s teasing very well.”
“ You got over your bad day pretty fast! Good job.”
“ You kept your cool while we were talking about curfew. Nicely done!”
“ Whatever you did to battle your anger really worked.”

And remember to praise for baby steps toward better emotional regulation. It gives teens a signpost to walk towards.

“I noticed that you didn’t get nearly as irritated with me as you usually do when I give you chores. That was very mature of you.”

For the irritable teen, here are some calm responses:

Say what you see:
“I notice that you seem crabby right now.”
“I noticed that you were upset with your sister. Is something else bothering you?”
“I noticed that you slammed your door awhile ago. Are you upset?”

Point out how crabbiness spreads to others and only compounds the problem:
“ I know it’s hard not to pass on a bad mood to others, but it isn’t fair to punish me for your feelings. However, I would be happy to talk with you about what may be bothering you.”
“ Yelling at me will not solve what is really bothering you.”
“ If you push your family away with anger, then we cannot be supportive to you. Reach out instead of pushing away, okay?"
“ You may want some time alone to compose yourself before you say something hurtful to one of us.”

Suggest some ways to get out of a bad mood:
“You could go for a run or shoot some baskets.”
“How about calling a friend to cheer you up?”
“You may get your mind off your troubles if you throw yourself into a project.”
“Would you like to watch a movie with me?”

Increased Level of Parent Coping
When your child has not responded to your observations and seems to be inflicting his/her foul or angry mood on others, you have two choices.

1. Insist that your child remove himself from others’ presence and work on self-control:
“You do not show signs of controlling your mood with us. Now, you need to spend some time alone. When you are able to be polite, please come back and join us.”

2. Ignore the moodiness. Choose not to let your child control the mood of the family in a negative way. Encourage your other children not to direct any attention to your child when he/she is impolite. It can be helpful to let your child know that this will be your approach in the future when he/she is not cooperative. If your child seems to wish to create conflict with his/her mood, it can be helpful to leave the room or the house in order to give your teen a big “timeout”. At this point, talking about the moodiness gives your teen too much power to control the household. Tell your teen that the best way to have some control is to reach out to you directly.

A word of caution: A sad adolescent should not be punished or ignored. An angry adolescent who is trying to control the tone of the family with pouting has a completely different look.

What about timing?
Timing matters! Experiment with when and how your teen is most receptive. That means picking times that may be inconvenient for you, but are times when a teen is at his/her best. For instance, choose times when a teen is well-rested, isn’t hurrying out the door or is clearly stressed out. You know, just like you, teens have better times to talk!
Sometimes, the best opportunity to talk about communicating is after an argument or in-between problems when the sun is shining. Then everyone is less emotional.

Above all, respect your teen’s right to talk or not to talk. Honest communication cannot be forced. Accept that your teen may be resistant at times to deal with issues directly with you. Respect a teen’s space and he /she may come and seek you out!

When do I get help for my teen?
If your teen’s mood has been predominantly down and irritable for more than two weeks, you should probably get an expert’s opinion. If your teen mentions suicide, get help right away. Sometimes teens talk about suicide when they feel hopeless, but you should let a professional determine how serious the problem is.