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Working and Playing Well with Others

By Matthew Doll, Ph.D

Quote for the month
Children are a wonderful gift. They have an extraordinary capacity to see into the heart of things and to expose sham and humbug for what they are.
- Bishop Desmond Tutu

There is something we learned in graduate school that inevitably stands out. It is a simple concept that I believe will demonstrate a core concept for real-world observation and change. It is called “The Do-Say Discrepancy.”

It states that we look for the difference between what people do (their behavior) versus what they say (their words). This is very important because we learn by observation from a very young age.

A child that is told that he is loved but experiences abuse can struggle with that discrepancy throughout life. A child that is told to not smoke, drink, or do drugs by adults that are smoking, drinking and/or high is confused and more likely to do what he or she sees than what is heard. A father that asks if I can help stop his ##&!! son from $$##% swearing is told “no”….

I have been told that the most helpful thing I tell people is that I am not a perfect parent, even though I supposedly know better. So to be clear, the five-year-old child that pointed his finger at his father and said, “Don’t talk to me that way,” probably had a child psychologist pointing at him saying “Don’t talk to me that way!”

Sometimes it’s tougher than other times
All of us forget at times, even more so when we are stressed, tired or overwhelmed (three conditions that can go hand in hand with parenting choices). Times of transition, such as newborns with poor sleep schedules, daycare drop-offs, difficulties at school, and teen driving all have their own stress-related moments. How we manage our stress, and if we are consistent with “what we do and say” will largely determine what our children learn from us.

If we are trying to settle a newborn, but act agitated, the child senses this and is less likely to settle. If we drop off our toddler and say “It’s OK, you will be fine,” with a tear in our eye and a quiver in our voice, looking back all the time, drop-offs will be more difficult. If we bad-mouth a teacher rather than constructively resolve a concern, we undermine respect for adults and miss an opportunity to model appropriate problem solving and effective conflict resolution. When we talk on the cell phone while driving our children around town…well you get it.

We are designed to learn by observation. We have what are called “mirror neurons.” When we watch someone move his arm, the same motor neurons in our brains light up. If you have ever watched a room full of men cross their legs when a player on TV takes a low blow, you have seen this principle at work. These mirror neurons also work with emotions. Interestingly, some children with autism seem to be missing this response.

So, if we know humans learn by observing others and can teach by modeling appropriate behavior, why do we mess this up so often? Earlier, I mentioned stress. When we are under stress, we tend to focus inwardly; we fend off the world and behave in ways that we assume will be stress-reducing at the time: aggression, escalation, shutting down, avoidance, etc. Unfortunately these coping responses barely work beyond the moment to resolve our stress.

Modeling Good Stress Responses
State the Obvious
One way to model appropriate stress responses is to state the obvious, “I am stressed,” “I am worried about…” “I am upset by your behavior.” We can follow this with a statement of action to problem solve such as; “I need to take a few minutes to calm down” “I need to get more information about….” “I expect your behavior to be…” For an observant child, this lays out a suitable plan that works for all ages to manage the problem.

Show Consistency in Your Behavior
By modeling good communication and modeling a calm problem-solving approach that treats others with respect, we go a lot further in reaching our goal of teaching our children than long lectures followed by inconsistent behavior on our part. You want respectful children? Show them respect. You want emotional regulation? Show them emotional regulation.
 

It is not enough to say that our children should respect adults, and then have them watch us yell at other drivers on the road, speak ill of their teachers, our ex-spouses or even our political leaders.

When we match our words to our actions we are consistent, understood and believed. Those that watch and learn from us understand the steadfastness of the message. Learning is enhanced. While we may not always be perfect, we can acknowledge when we falter and clarify with not only a statement of intent to do better in the future, but by actually behaving better in the future.

Do It at Work Too
These principles also apply to our work environments. The corporate world wants to match its mission and values statements to employees’ behavior. Unfortunately we all observe that the concept, “It’s just business” seems to excuse a vast amount of “Do-Say” discrepancy. When corporations do match their values to their actions, they are more likely to outperform those that do not.

As I mentioned, this is a simple concept but one that it appears we all forget far too often. So…”Don’t talk to me that way!”…. Have a good day. Good luck.

Remember:
Keep it positive and be careful out there… they are watching….

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