Keeping Children Safe

June 2004 Newsletter:

Summertime with Kids:
Having Fun and Staying Safe
by Jackie Block, MFT, Family Therapist

As I prepare my family for the summer months, I ask myself what I need to do to help my children enjoy a bit of extended freedom as they have more opportunity to be outside, and to be in public places. Knowing that I will do my best to keep a keen eye on them, I also know that this alone is not enough. In the book, Protecting the Gift: Keeping Children and Teenagers Safe (and Parents Sane), by Gavin DeBecker, you will find many insights and strategies to keep your children safe. Mr. DeBecker is a leading expert on predicting violent behaviors. Part of his experience is in profiling child predators. From his book you will learn that he asks us to not ignore the physical symptoms we experience when we are in danger. Is there a sense (intuition) that something is not right? Is your heart starting to race? Are you experiencing shortness of breath? What are your physical signs that something is not right? As we look at identifying our fight, flight or freeze response, he offers the following tips on decreasing the chances of victimization:

1. Predators look for children who are "quiet, withdrawn, compliant, easy to manipulate and less likely to put up a fight" (DeBecker, page 168). They are great at befriending, offering gifts, sharing parts of their lives and becoming very important to your children. Carefully screen the adults and children in your child's life. Make sure you are not making allowances for behaviors that are not acceptable to you, or you have that funny "intuitive" feeling about. It's always best to be more cautious, say no first, instead of having regrets later.

2. Make careful choices about people you include in your child's life. People who rush friendships with you as an adult and seem overly interested in your child may be suspect. The process of grooming a child to be a victim is the same as the adult who becomes a fast friend of an elderly person who only stays long enough to bilk them out of some money.

3. Teach your child the correct names for their body parts. Demystify sex. Experts say that children who know nothing about sex are at greater risk of becoming victims.

4. "Tell your children that no adult or other child should: Put their hands down your pants or up your skirt; Touch your private parts, even through clothes or pajamas; Ask you to touch their private parts, or ask you to remove their clothes; Take off your clothes; Take pictures of with your clothes off; Take their clothes off in front of you." (DeBecker, page 166)

5. As we know, most victims of physical, verbal and sexual abuse are abused by people they know. Therefore it is important to practice assertive statements with your child. Statements such as : "Stop or I'll tell." "No, you can't do that to me." are phrases we can teach our children to use whey they feel uncomfortable with a situation. Statements such as these also warn an abuser they won't get away with the abuse. When children inform someone that they will tell, that person will most likely think twice before continuing with the abusive act.

6. People who do not respect the word "NO" are more likely to continue to manipulate a situation to their favor. This is an important lesson to teach your children as well as reinforce with your teenagers. Role play and help them practice various ways to say "No" when they feel threatened.

7. Be direct with people you feel uneasy about. It is often that we as adults dismiss our intuition and by doing so endanger ourselves and the ones we love. By asking direct questions you will not offend but clarify what you need to know before allowing someone into your life.

8. "The safest child is the child who knows he can bring his problems and concerns to his parents and adult care givers without reproach or retaliation." (DeBecker, page 165). Watch the way in which you respond to your child regarding any matter. Take a few seconds to digest what is being said without judgment. Allowing children to talk and then offer problem solving statements is much better then cutting them off with a quick answer. Also let your children know that if one person doesn't hear what they are trying to say they need to go to another. Help your children make a mental list of people they know they can talk to.

9. If a child is lost or in need of help, their safest route to safety is not the uniformed officer as there are many people who wear uniforms, but most likely to help is the nearest mother with children. You may want your child to practice "trusting their instincts" and have them pick out people in a public place that they would go to and ask for directions or help.

Summer can be a wonderful time of year for families to reconnect. It is also a time when people travel and for most children there is greater freedom outside the family home. Teach your children the skills they need to be safe. Remind yourself and your children to trust instincts, ask questions and be assertive.

Have a happy and safe summer.