In this day & age
many are on the fast track, multi-tasking from morning
to bedtime. It is important to keep on schedule, get
ourselves & everyone else in the family where
all need to be, but at what price? Many parents love
their children but do not create the time to hear,
see, & know their child.
The purpose of this article
is to help you regain your status as the moral compass,
the guide, the authority, the one your child looks
up to-the greater influence in your child’s
life other than the media & peers. As I look at
children today, there is a definite hunger to be known
at any cost. Identifying with the famous has become
a major obsession. Being the best at the expense of
others is a common theme. Lying, cheating, fighting,
& self-abuse have earned casual acceptance.
It’s time to take
charge & reclaim our children by listening! It
no longer can be parallel play-you working in the
kitchen, or on your laptop & your child in front
of the TV or playing video games. The interaction
must be between the two of you. There must be total
focused attention.
Start by looking at your
child. Note the similarities & differences between
your child, you, & his or her siblings. Think
about the role temperament, personality, impact of
birth order & family history play. Think about
sleep patterns, clothing choices, messy or sloppy,
food likes & dislikes. Is your child easily reduced
to tears when a voice gets loud, or do they just shrug
it off & walk away? All these things & more
contribute to the making of an individual. If you
know your child, you will know how to respond when
your child needs you.
In the book, Nurturing
Good Children Now, by Ron Taffel, Ph.D., there
are ten core traits that contribute to the health
of a child. They may vary in degrees of strength but
are important as a whole. The first is Respect
for parents & other adults. Respectful children
know what is required of them by parents & other
important adults. These children are also willing
to follow the requirements. Children who are respectful
feel more secure & less angry in their daily lives
and are less likely to be drawn into risky behaviors.
In what ways have you modeled respect for your child?
Are you clear where you stand on certain behaviors,
actions & attitudes or do you shut down, allowing
negative behaviors to continue because you are overcome
by uncertainty, or don’t have the time or energy
to follow through?
Mood Mastery-
Children who have been taught how to moderate their
emotional states are less likely to turn to outside
influences to do it for them. Parents who are able
to model appropriate responses to various upsets,
frustrations & disappointments, & provide
safety, security & limits will help their children
to manage difficulties with confidence. You must also
remember that one size does not fit all. Some children
respond well to time out, while others need to be
shown how to self-soothe, offered a re-direction or
helped to figure out what’s going to work best
for them.
Peer Smarts-The
ability to make & keep friends & to know when
to walk away from harmful or demeaning friendships.
Have you taught your child about what is acceptable
in friendship? Have you modeled healthy friendships?
Do you ask your child about classmates & friends?
Do you ask for more than a general description? What
do you know about the family of your child’s
friends? Remember, we often become who we spend time
with.
Expressiveness-The
ability to talk about what really matters including
feelings, friends, dreams, & frustrations. Children
who have difficulty expressing themselves often are
angry because they cannot make known what they want
others to hear. It’s important to take the time
to find out what’s going on in your child’s
life, to encourage play, to ask questions about feelings,
& offer ideas in the form of choices when your
child gets stuck. Just take time to play, talk, or
be in the same room as your child. Allow opportunity
for expression-listen, listen, listen. To help your
child think things through & to decrease a heated
response, paraphrase what they’ve said first,
& then answer. Have your child do the same in
their response.
Focus-Staying
with a particular task to gain mastery over it is
important. Parents can teach focus by being focused
on what their child needs & encouraging follow-through.
Let your child know that time plus patience can offer
good results. Lend encouragement during difficult
tasks.
Caution-Is
needed when attempting or considering something new
or risky. As a parent, be open & directive so
children will seek guidance & be able to discuss
difficulties afterwards. You can be the first one
they ask to solve problems. Don’t lose that
spot by not caring or responding. Stopping & weighing
risk and benefits of words or actions can go a long
way. Demonstrate while offering guidance & allow
opportunities to practice new skills or tasks in your
presence.
Body Comfort-Teach
your child to accept the way he or she looks. As a
parent, avoid food struggles & sexual attitudes
that affect self-image. Model your own acceptance
of self. As a parent, don’t fuss about your
negative attributes. Studies show that parents who
are dissatisfied with their own looks are more likely
to create children who will feel the same. Parents
who are over concerned about body image are more likely
to have children who develop eating disorders.
Team Intelligence-The
ability to know basic rules of group dynamics. Talking
about friendship issues & demonstrating thoughtful
responses to difficult situations will go far with
your child. Observe your child with their friends
& look at what actions & attitudes they pick
up on. Have discussions & role play difficult
situations.
Gratitude-The
healthy appreciation for the gifts of life. Nurturing
spirituality in your child will also help them during
difficult times. Practice gratitude in your child’s
presence. Offer opportunities to volunteer. Knowing
one can contribute bolsters self-esteem.
There are many things
we do in life that are without thought. Make a conscious
effort to truly see, hear, & know your child.
Stop & listen to what is being said. Respond with
respect to the importance of your child’s words.
Be mindful of the trust given to you, the privilege
for you to hear what your child has to stay. To stop
& be present is the greatest gift you can give.
Recommended Books
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