Teaching responsibility and respect
is challenging in this day and age. I have known children
who do nothing; expect much; and get even more. These seemingly
privileged children learn that even with doing nothing they
can watch TV, play on the computer, demand a snack and get
money to go to their favorite hot spot with little more than
a whine in their voice and a frustrating sigh from their
parents.
Such
demanding is fostered early on by parents who, with a
kind heart, want
to give their children all they can; or are caught up in
guilt for feeling they haven’t done enough because
they work too much; or someone somewhere made them feel
this is how it should be. Teaching responsibility and fostering
respect is a tall task that takes time. Those who start
early
on will fair better with fewer battles than those who wait
until unhealthy patterns are established.
Responsibility
Teaching responsibility really comes from helping your children feel good about
all that they can do. Think about a three year old who wants to sweep the floor
and wipe off the table. This is a parent’s opportunity to start fostering
responsibility. Allow your children to do it. Demonstrate how. Thank them for
the help even if it is not perfect. Stay away from criticism as it casts self
doubt. Encourage and work alongside them to make the task a social event which
is even more rewarding because of time spent with you.
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Tips
on teaching kids responsibility with money
from Dave Ramsey’s
Financial Peace Jr.
- Start
early to teach kids that they need to be responsible
with money
- Use
three envelopes, giving, saving, and spending
- Choose
jobs that can earn them “commission” and
behaviors that earn them a fine
- Have
kids save for something they want before they buy it—then
they can pay for it with cash that they earned themselves
- Have
a special “payday” weekly so kids can
see how much they earned—Make it a positive,
learning experience
- Use
reward certificates for extras and allow kids to choose
a meal,
game for game night,
or another privilege.
They love the extra positive attention!
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Teaching
self-sufficiency is teaching responsibility. Allow your children
to own their successes as well as their failures.
Too many parents make their children’s success their own
and work too hard to correct or compensate for failures. Both
success and failure are learning experiences. Guiding,
providing opportunity, demonstrating and giving clear expectations
are
the rules. If the task isn’t done right the first time,
criticism doesn’t help, doing it for them doesn’t
help, but having them go back and do it over will. If your children
aren’t sure how to do it then demonstrate and explain.
Respect
Respect should be mutual. Respect yourself and respect your children. How you
talk, treat others and accomplish tasks will go a long way in modeling how
they should conduct themselves. If you expect please and thank you, make sure
you use these words when talking with them. If you expect them to respect their
things, model this, but also limit the amount of toys your children have, and
as they get older have them earn newer ones. I have seen children who have
so much they become overwhelmed and can’t stay focused on any one play
thing.
Incentives
The token system can be extremely effective in creating incentives for children.
Using marbles in a jar or money for allowance are valuable tools as children
get older. They teach the rewards of taking responsibility and the value
of saving and goal setting. How you set up the system is important. There
are many different ways to help create incentives for positive behavior.
A check list is good for teaching routine tasks like brushing teeth, getting
dressed, brushing hair and washing hands. This is geared toward younger children
and helps to establish routine and teach independence. The payoff is usually
playing a game, a special treat, movie, or another motivator that works for
your children.
Marbles in a jar can also be used in a similar way. You can let your children
know ahead of time or have a list of tasks that earn tokens posted on the refrigerator.
You can have a bowl of marbles, poker chips, nickels, noodles, etc. on the
kitchen counter and when they complete a task or comply with a request, you
can tell them to put a token in the jar. One benefit of the token system is
that your children can earn TV privileges, computer time, a special meal, friend
over, etc. Again, use what works for you and your children. Use a glass jar
so they can see how well they are doing!
Using allowance can teach money management. This incentive should not be used
for self care but more for helping tasks like mowing the lawn, dusting, doing
dishes, etc. You might say that household tasks are a given and do not need
a reward, it’s up to you. The goal of allowance is both teaching responsibility
and money management. If parents give kids all the money they want, an opportunity
for teaching responsibility is lost. Many parents have their children divide
their allowance into three parts: money for spending, money for saving and
money for church or charity. This is helpful so children have a better understanding
of the responsibility of money. Be consistent and do not rescue your children
when their money is spent!
Just Because
Teaching children to do tasks “just because” lets them know they
can contribute to the family. If the know they can contribute and make a difference,
they feel better about themselves and have an incentive to do more. This sense
of belonging is important to everyone. Talk up the big tasks, ask for help,
allow for help, and be thankful. You both can gloat over the accomplishment
and how good it feels to be done. Teach kids to help with picking up their
toys or other household tasks, just because it’s the right thing to do.
You
do things just because you are a part of the family. As parents,
you expect that everyone takes care of their body, their room,
and their things. You expect
everyone to treat each other with respect just because that is how your family
acts. As a parent, think about the “just because's” that are
your expectations. Make sure you practice what you preach. Be clear in your
expectations
and offer demonstration, encouragement and incentive. Remember, things that
your children take for granted can become earned privileges. Good luck with
this task. It takes time but the reward is well worth it!
