Why should you talk to your kids?
Children are naturally curious about all of life’s events including birth,
death, money, prejudice, sexuality and, of course, Santa Claus and the Easter
Bunny. Kids are very resourceful. They will eventually find the answers to all
their questions. The important question is from whom.
If you want to be your children’s primary source of information, start
early in their lives talking to them openly, honestly and basing the discussion
on facts. With the exception of Santa, of course (ho ho)! Strive to be an “approachable” parent – someone
who your child feels will not judge, tease or punish them for asking questions.
An approachable parent responds to questions with words
and actions
that say “Thanks for asking me.”
Open communication is a powerful parenting tool. Most children intuitively sense
how receptive their parents are to talking about certain subjects. If you avoid
talking about emotionally sensitive topics – like death, adoption or an
addicted parent – they are taught to keep their concerns silent. The famous “no-talk
rule.” If you ignore embarrassing issues – like pornography, homosexuality
and masturbation – your children will get information or misinformationfrom someone else. If you discount or minimize the importance of life
experiencessuch as moving to a new home, illness, starting school, your children will believe
their fears are not valid. Remember: What your children don’t
know can
hurt them.
Communication Skills
Skill #1: Spend Time Listening
Listening actions include making eye contact, kneeling down to your child’s
level and positive facial expressions. If you can’t talk at the moment,
just say “Let’s talk in a few minutes. You deserve my full attention.”
Repeat what you heard and help put your child’s feelings into words. “You
seem sad about us being apart today.” You are either validating their
feelings or giving them a chance to correctly state their feelings.
Finally, ask specific questions to gather more information. Questions such
as “Please tell me exactly what happened.” Or “What upset
you the most?” Follow up questions acknowledge your child’s feelings
and get her talking about them.
Skill
#2: Consider your Child’s Opinion
See the situation through your child’s eyes. Remember that it is their
perspective based on their limited life experience. Avoid these judgements: “That’s
ridiculous.” “You don’t really mean that” or “How
can you think like that.” Instead, acknowledge your child’s perspective.
In response, you might say “I’m glad you told me” or “I
understand”. Try not to correct your child’s statement immediately
even if you think he is wrong. Listen to your child’s request without
judging or correcting it.
Skill #3: Pause to think (before you say no)
Give yourself time to think about what your child is asking. Even if your final
answer is “no”, you ought to say “Let me think about it
and get back to you.” Pausing forces you to slow down and avoids making
quick judgements. Pausing helps your child to feel heard and lessons the
chance of a power struggle. At times, share your thinking out loud. It will
educate your child how you arrived at your decision. “I know how much
you want another sleepover but you have a big test on Monday that I want
you well rested for.”
Skill #4: Accept the Feelings
Allow your child’s negative feelings to come out, even if they are hard
to take. Just being there may soothe and comfort your child. Avoid judging
your child personally. Instead of saying, “You snot, how dare you speak
to me that way” you might say “That kind of language is not OK”.
In this way, you are separating the behavior from the person. Tell your child
how her behavior makes you feel. Don’t hide your feelings. Express your
emotions with phrases such as “I am very disappointed in what you did” or “It
makes me sad that you lied to me”. Tell your child how you feel about
yourself. This modeling shows her you have feelings and gives her permission
to share her own. You might say “I had a really stressful day at work
and I’m very irritable” or “I screwed up. I’m sorry
for getting so frustrated.”
Skill #5: Lighten Up!
Use humor – but not directed at your child. Not every conflict needs
to be resolved through serious discussion. Lecturing leads to being tuned out.
Sometimes humor is an effective tool. You might say “Ouch, that hurts” instead
of “Don’t you dare talk to me that way, young man!” or “This
place is beginning to look like a science experiment” rather than “Clean
your room now!” Focus on the positive before bringing up the negative.
If he brings home a test with mistakes, first connect on what he got right
before discussing what he got wrong. Tell a funny story about yourself as a
child. Most kids love to hear stories about their parents growing up.
I
Can’t
Believe I Said That!
We’ve all had those times when we can’t believe we just said that
to our child. Unfortunately, it is usually after the fact. In the heat of battle,
parents blurt out "You’ll never change" or “Where did
I go wrong?” or the infamous “How could you do this to me!” Things
we swore we’d never say to our kids. Often, the best way to deal with
these blunders is to admit you’re wrong and apologize for it. So instead
of blaming yourself when you hear your Mother’s voice come out of your
mouth – pause and say you’re sorry. Lastly, remember it’s
not what you say but how you say it that makes the impact – positive
or negative. Choose positive!
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