January
typically is the time of year when many of us turn our attention
inward and think about how we can improve
the way we live our lives. If you have felt inspired by the beginning
of a new year to engage in self-reflection, make sure you don’t
inadvertently make things worse for yourself by thinking too much about your situation.
Is
it even possible to do too much thinking? After all, aren’t
we supposed to think deeply about our lives, our relationships,
and our goals in order to live a happier and more meaningful
existence? Yes and no – psychological studies tell us that
thinking can be a waste of time, and can even make things worse
for you, unless you know how to think.
For
example, when you are not sure how you feel about a job or
special relationship in your life, analyzing the pluses and
minuses of the situation might not be the answer. One study asked
people to think about the reasons why their romantic relationship
was going the way it was, and how satisfied they were with it.
The study found that this kind of careful analysis was worse
for the relationship than simply asking people for their “gut
feelings” about their partners. It seems that too much
analysis can confuse people about how they really feel, resulting
in less satisfaction and more doubts. This is exactly the kind
of thinking you want to avoid, especially when you are already
feeling down.
Over-Thinking Makes You Feel Worse
We now have numerous studies showing that ruminating about problems
often makes things worse. When you are already feeling dissatisfied
with something, such as a job, a relationship, or a personal
habit of yours, you tend to focus on what’s wrong in
your life which makes your mood worse. But, if you purposely
think about more neutral topics, such as “clouds forming
in the sky” (as one study asked people to do), even for
as short as 8 minutes, you will most likely start to feel better
because your negative self-focus was “turned off” for
a while.
This
doesn’t mean you should become a shallow person and
never try to think about and solve any of your problems. It just
means that there are more effective ways to improving yourself
and feeling happier than self-reflection. If you are dissatisfied
with some aspect of your life, one of the best approaches is
to act more like the person you want to be, rather than sitting
around analyzing yourself.
Another
study found that when people were given the opportunity to
do a favor for someone else, they ended up viewing themselves
as kind and considerate – unless they were asked to think
about why they had done the favor. Then, people ended up not
viewing themselves as being especially kind. So, the trick is
to go out of your way to be kind to others, without thinking
too much about why you are doing it. As an added bonus, your
kindness will also make you happier.
Emotions Tag Along Behind Your Thoughts
Another reason to watch your thoughts carefully is that your
emotions can’t tell if what you are thinking is really
happening, or if it’s just an image in your head. This
is what happens when we watch movies – even though you
know that what you are watching is not actually happening,
you may still be scared by a terrifying scene, or tearful about
a sad ending. In daily life, about ten minutes after you start
dwelling on something, the corresponding emotions typically
follow. Consider this phenomenon: You don’t experience
any of the feelings you have without having a thought first
that results in that feeling. So if you don’t like the
way you feel, ask yourself what you have been thinking about
recently. The good news is that you can change the way you
think about a situation, such as a relationship or a job, even
if you cannot change the actual situation.
For
example, if you are feeling stressed out and overworked at
your job, you may have been thinking about how you can’t
handle this much longer, how you are not being appreciated enough,
or how unfair it is that no one helps you out. These thoughts
will increase your anxiety and frustration, and make you feel
like a victim. However, the same situation can lead to very different
feelings if, instead, you think about stress as an opportunity
to grow, or a challenge to overcome. Why else do some people
thrive on stress and show their best performance under pressure,
while others get depressed or even physically sick? The difference
is in how you choose to think about the situation. The biggest
thinking error people make is to believe that it’s the
situation or other people who are causing the problem, rather
than their own thoughts.
Take Charge of Your Thoughts
You get to decide what you think, which in turn determines how
you feel. Thinking productive thoughts and not dwelling on
what’s wrong is a habit that will take some time to develop.
How can you get started? Here are two suggestions to implement
right away:
First,
carefully watch what you “feed” your mind – what
you read, what you listen to, what you watch on TV, and even
the jokes you hear all enter into your thinking and become part
of you. Surround yourself with materials (and people) that are
uplifting and positive rather than cynical and depressing.
And
second, choose to think thoughts that make you feel good instead
of discouraged. For example, decide today that you will
give your family members, friends, and co-workers the benefit
of the doubt in every situation, instead of being critical and
blaming when something goes wrong. When a loved one or a colleague
says something hurtful or thoughtless to you, immediately think
of a benign way to explain this kind of behavior, such as, “they
must be having a stressful day” instead of thinking how
rude they are. Not only will you feel better thinking about them
this way, it will also improve your relationship since the action
you take as a result of your thought (such as being kinder and
more understanding of them) will bring you closer together.
At first, you may have to force yourself to find something positive
in each situation and person. However, if you make a conscious
effort for a while, you will get better at it and you may even
start to have fun with the idea that you can positively impact
your emotional health and relationships just with your thoughts.
Happy New Year and Happy Thoughts!
Happy
New Year and Happy Thoughts!
