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Finding Solutions.®


The Holidays and You:
Making them Meaningful

by Jackie Block, MFT

December 2006


It is said that in each given day we may have two "free hours" that are not dedicated to family, work or household tasks. When the holidays are added, as an event that takes planning, preparation, and attending, well, you get the picture – where’s all the free time to do this?

Most of us realize on some level, that there is no great joy in overdoing, overspending, overeating, overdrinking, and sleeping less. So what mind set do you need to have a joyful holiday?

First: You must let go of the "shoulds" imposed upon you by commercialism, society, family and friends. Make a list of who’s involved, how to make it meaningful, and what you want from your holiday.

Second: Budget your holiday. No interest, no money down, credit card use. They only lead to paying off debt later which can cause you to feel perhaps a temporary joy when purchasing, but longer term stress when trying to juggle monthly bills. If you have only "X" amount of dollars, think about how you want to spend that money and who or what is most important for you to spend it on. Be creative and direct with people about what you can and cannot do.

Third: If you feel obligated to give a gift to those who give you gifts, or if you feel you should give a gift "just because," be honest. Nine times out of ten, the other giver may be relieved and no longer feel obligated to provide a gift for you. They may also choose to continue to do so and you, of course, can be a gracious recipient. It could also be fun to let them know if you could give them a gift, that you would give them this or that and tell them why you think this would be a special gift for them. You may also want to give them something of yours that they may truly appreciate.

Fourth: If you are tired of attending every party and event that you are invited to, say yes to only those most important to you. Really, it’s ok to be honest and decline invitations. You may also want to start a trend with work family and friends to give the money used for those parties to those less fortunate or plan time together at a less stressful time of the year.

Fifth: You are your child’s most interesting toy! I think of the holidays as a time of over-tired and over-excited children. All the over planning and over doing really gets to everyone, which, of course, makes things less pleasant. It is not so much the gifts you give your children, it is the time. The following questions can help you focus your attention and make the holidays meaningful for your family:

  • How can you have your children help with the holiday preparation?
  • What special memories can be created and what meaningful traditions do you want to create?
  • What are the similarities and differences between your expectations and those of your family?

Discuss these questions with your spouse or children to help create understanding and harmony. Your time with your children is much more valuable then any gift you can give them.

Sixth: Take responsibility for your choices. If you choose to do things a certain way then make it meaningful and do it joyfully. If others are not interested in contributing to your choices, that’s ok! Accept them where they are at and create for yourself what you need.

Seventh: If you don’t do it regularly, exercise to relieve stress, eat balanced meals to better deal with stress, and take time to relax to keep yourself grounded during what can be a stressful time of year.

Eighth: Think about holiday history. What feelings and memories do you carry with you? What new feelings and memories do you want to create? Don’t attempt to live what you had through your children. See them in their own joy, with their own interests and feelings.

Ninth: If there have been changes in your life over the year which could include a move, death of a loved one, or divorce, the holidays may be particularly difficult. Seek out others to talk with. Take time for reflection. Look at new ways to do and see things. Give yourself permission to take time to re-evaluate and not invest as much time and energy to the holidays as you did so in the past. If the "holiday blues" are intense and continue for a long period of time, seek professional help. The holidays could be the catalyst that triggers clinical depression.

Tenth: Take care of yourself. Be responsible for your choices. Make this holiday a time for enjoying the people you love with no strings attached!

Managing Grief Over the Holidays

  • Maintain familiarity. Continue old traditions if possible.
  • Avoid trying to please others. Do what you need to do for yourself.
  • Commemorate your loved one with a special new tradition.
  • Reach out to others. Helping others in need can help you.
  • Permit yourself some cheer without guilt. This does not mean you have forgotten.
  • Maintain connection with family and other support systems.
  • Let go of control. Allow yourself to express your emotions. Ignoring or avoiding your feelings will just make them more intense.
  • Get enough rest and eat healthy. When you do not take care of yourself, your ability to handle emotional stress decreases.
  • Utilize creative outlets. Write, draw, talk, sing, etc. Find ways to express your thoughts and feelings.

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