“Assertiveness
is another word for rude! What about manners?
Don’t people’s feelings count?"
"
I can’t say what I think. It will cause havoc and mutiny
everywhere in my life! I’ll end up alone and assertive.”
Have
you ever said things like that to yourself? Being direct
is sometimes hard to do, but it is almost impossible with thoughts
like those
above. If you are going to be more direct with others, let
it be for good reasons. Here they are:
Honest
is the way to be
Being direct is the most honest way to interact with others. Whether you’re
admitting to a friend that you do not like bowling or whether you’re
telling a waitress that your steak is not properly cooked, direct communication
is truthful without being abrasive. Hiding our true values or lying to
ourselves and others is not living in an honest way. This is not the same
thing as saying hurtful things under the pretense of being honest. |
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How
to be Assertive:
- Talk only to
the source of the problem
- Use
words that are respectful of others
- Ask
only for fair treatment, not better treatment
than others
- Turn
down unreasonable requests
- Do
not bully or allow others to bully
|
|
Respect other people's strength and resilience
Being
direct assumes that whoever you are speaking to is not fragile
and dysfunctional!
It also assumes that most people, like you, prefer
the straight story. So, if you often hide your true feelings
or avoid
saying “no” to
people because you believe they cannot handle it, isn’t
that a little condescending? Most people will not go
to pieces if you tell them you cannot do a particular
favor
for them
or cannot do their job for them, loan them $10,000
or babysit their
children for a weekend.
Turning
down a request says that you respect their resourcefulness
in finding solutions. If you have someone who takes advantage
of your generosity, then turning him or her down is often a
helpful way of guiding that person to solve the problem. The
friend that wakes you up at 2am all the time may have to follow
through on your advice to seek help if you do not fill in as
a mental health professional 24-7. You are not helping when
you assume responsibility for someone else’s pain.
Encourage mutuality (equality) in relationships
The best relationships
are a clear 2-way highway, where both people contribute to
harmony and growth. Balancing the needs of both people is a
great way to keep a relationship in a vital, growing mode.
Mutuality is not selfishness. If one person takes routinely
more than he or she gives, then the relationship stands the
risk of fading away or blowing up. If you do the lion’s
share of giving, the relationship is not as healthy as it could
be. Everyone should have the good feeling of compromising with
others for the good of the team. Are you the only one getting
that “good feeling”? If you believe we are all
created equal, let your actions say that too.
Real intimacy
How can someone really know you if you rarely say what you
think? Being direct is the best way of letting people know
who you are and what you stand for. This gives them a guide
of what to expect from you. The people you are closest to are
the people you are able to be the most direct with, aren’t
they?
Have you ever been in a group feeling afraid to speak up and tell others the
facts as you know them? When you say what you think, the world can benefit from
your ideas. If you know something, say it. In the future, people will come to
you for answers!
Self-esteem = Assertiveness
Don’t you feel great when you back a bully down? If you struggle with liking
yourself, there is nothing quite so powerful as practicing being assertive. The
act of being direct and honest tells other people that your thoughts count. Daily
submission and passivity with others can ruin self-respect and confidence.
Now that you have some good reasons to be more direct with others, how do you
get started? Follow these steps to direct and honest relationships!
Step
1
Give proper notice: Tell all the relevant people in your life that you are going
to improve your directness.
Step 2
Enlist the support of everyone. If you tend to be passive, others will be happy
you are going to be more vocal in the future. Thank them for the support and
let them know that you may be more honest and direct with them as well. Tell
them that you would like their support when that happens.
Step 3
Work on expressing positive thoughts more often. This is an easy way to get started.
Being assertive also includes telling people you care about them or complimenting
others.
Step 4
Pick your mildest friends next and express a different opinion when something
comes up that you usually stay quiet about. Practice standing firm on your opinion,
without apologizing or backpedaling. Use the “broken record technique” by
stating and restating, “You are entitled to your opinion, but my opinion
is ____.”
Step 5
Start evaluating requests based on what seems most helpful to friends vs. what
seems to just be enabling their poor habits. Make a list of requests that you
plan to start turning down.
Step 6
Start saying “no”. Focus on saying “no” without furnishing
an untrue excuse or apologizing. Lying to get out of something just encourages
others to ask intrusive questions about what your plans really are. When people
try to talk you into something, say, “No, thanks anyway” and change
the subject.
Step 7
Begin empowering yourself with the dominating people you would like to be on
more equal footing with. Pick something small to work on first. If the person
starts to react, quickly remind him or her that you are being assertive and would
like support. If the person has an adult tantrum, remove yourself from the conversation
quickly, saying that you will talk when he or she is calm. Don’t stay in
verbally abusive conversations. Some bullies get upset when they realize they
are not in charge. You can admit that you are changing and that it is hard, but
stick to the idea that it is a change for the better.
Step 8
Be ready to accept that certain relationships may not allow you to respect yourself.
You may decide that those relationships are harmful. Do not rush yourself to
end long-held friendships too quickly, unless they become abusive. Make a commitment
to yourself to spend time with people who treat you with respect and enjoy hearing
your opinions.
Being assertive makes you feel equal and respected by the rest
of the world. When you use good manners to make your points,
everyone wins in the end. People will respond to your direct
and honest expressions. People will respect the new you!
Books on Assertiveness
Toxic
Coworkers: How to Deal With Dysfunctional People on the Job by Alan Caviola
The
Assertiveness Workbook by Randy Paterson
Your
Perfect Right by Alberti and Emmons
