If you are a parent, you've helped your children get ready for another school year. You probably help them get to school on time each day, and maybe even help them pick out their clothes, keep their schoolwork organized, practice their spelling words or musical instrument, and help them learn a hundred other skills they need in daily life. You want your children to be successful, and your hope is that by helping them now, they will learn to do these things for themselves in the future and become independent, responsible people. But do you ever get the nagging feeling that maybe you are helping them too much? That they should be doing more things by themselves? Is it even possible for parents to help children too much? Should you let them learn things the hard way sometimes?

Helping too much often occurs because it is easier for parents (e.g., cleaning up after the kids), or because parents feel that it will reflect poorly on them when children don’t do what they are supposed to do (e.g., being late for school, handing in homework with mistakes), or sometimes simply to keep the peace (e.g., agreeing to finish a job for them that they didn’t complete). Parents are helping too much when they do it for their own convenience, or when they start to cover up for a child’s mistake. If the goal is to teach responsibility, children need to experience the consequences of their actions (both positive consequences, such as rewards for appropriate behavior, and negative consequences).

If parents overdo the helping, it can have negative effects on children. Children don't develop the confidence that they can meet challenges on their own, and may come to over-rely on their parents which interferes with responsible decision making, and causes frustration. Providing too much help also doesn't give children the opportunity to learn from their mistakes. Children really do learn best from consequences, not from parental lectures. Parents should be happy when children make mistakes because it can be a powerful teaching moment, if used wisely by parents (i.e., instead of focusing on the mistake, discuss what the child learned from it and can do differently next time).

Is it possible to allow children to suffer from too much or too harsh consequences?

Yes, sometimes consequences can be too harsh! The punishment has to fit the crime, otherwise the consequences will be perceived as unfair, and the child will feel ANGRY at the parent, and will not really learn to take responsibility for their behavior. Instead, they will see the parent as mean and unjust, and in the long run, this will hurt the relationship between the child and the parent. Consequences will also be perceived as too harsh when they are delivered with lots of anger or long lectures from parents, and don't allow the child to make up for their mistake.

Natural consequences for a child's actions are best, and they usually make more sense to the child. For example, when a child doesn't clean up their toys, a natural consequence would be for the toys to go on the top shelf of the closet for 1 or 2 days, and then giving the child an opportunity to earn them back, for example, by doing some extra cleaning. However, GROUNDING the child for 1 or 2 days instead will seem overly harsh because the punishment is bigger than the misbehavior. If a child doesn't get ready for school on time, a natural consequence is to let them be late and have them explain this to the teacher themselves. In that case, yelling, nagging, lecturing, or grounding the child will NOT work, and will be perceived by the child as too harsh. Consequences will also seem more fair and appropriate when they are consistent, and have been made clear IN ADVANCE so that the child knows what to expect. That's the foundation of making good choices.

How can parents find the proper balance between helping and the hard way?

Parents usually achieve the best balance when they stay calm and think through the situation before reacting. Ask yourself what you want your child to learn from the situation, and what is the best way for them to learn it? Your goal as a parent is to teach responsibility to your children by letting them experience the natural consequences of their behavior. But you ALSO want to teach kids that you are there for them, that they can count on you, and that you will be fair and supportive when they make mistakes. Keeping these two goals in mind can help parents find a better balance between helping too much and being too harsh. For example, if a teenager gets a speeding ticket, a natural consequence would be to have the teen pay for the ticket him/herself. If the teen doesn't have enough money to pay, parents can be supportive by lending the money and then allowing the teen to make small payments to the parents over a specific period of time, WITH INTEREST. If the teen stops making payments, parents can "re-possess" things such as the teen's computer, TV, stereo, CDs, etc. to make up for the missed payments. Note that this is not the same as "grounding" the teen from these things, since the teen will not be able to get them back if they are used as payments. This is what happens to adults in the real world when they default on payments, and is a powerful way to teach responsibility without being overly harsh.

Balance can also be achieved by not focusing only on punishment, but on opportunities for the child to MAKE UP for their mistakes, e.g., by apologizing, doing extra chores, paying a fine, writing a note, etc. This helps children feel remorse, and gives them a chance to do something about that. Protecting children from those opportunities to make up for mistakes is being too helpful, while only focusing on punishment is too harsh. Again, ask yourself what you want your child to learn from this, and how they can best learn that lesson.

What can parents do when they have gone too far in either direction?

Parents who go too far in either direction often do so because they REACT to situations without really thinking them through. It's very important to have a plan IN ADVANCE so you know what you will do and don't have to think about it on the spot, when you are upset or angry and can't think as well as when you are calm. If a situation occurs that is so different from the usual that your plan doesn't apply, it's perfectly okay to say "This is a serious situation. I don't know what kind of consequence would be appropriate here. I have to think about it for a while. I'll let you know when I come up with an idea." This buys you time and lets you calm down so you can make a better decision.

Another step is to think about NATURAL consequences for actions. Most parents already use natural consequences in daily life. E.g., if your child doesn't eat dinner, they don't get to have dessert. When your child doesn't finish their homework, they don't get to play or watch TV. Think about what some of the most common problems are with your children, and then MAKE A PLAN for how you can use natural consequences in those situations, and still be supportive of your child. E.g., if your child has a project to do for school, help your child make a plan for how they can complete each step of the project. Ask them WHAT they will do and WHEN, and HOW you will know that the steps are completed. Also ask them what they think should happen if they don't stick to the plan and don't get it done. That way, you can be helpful without taking over the project yourself, and you avoid being overly harsh in case the project doesn't get done because you and your child already decided on a consequence together.

Involving your child in coming up with an appropriate consequence also is a great way of approaching problems. For example, when your child is lying to you, you can say, "Lying is wrong. It destroys trust between people. What do you think your consequence should be for that?" Often, children are actually harder on themselves than parents would be. This also helps the child think through the situation, and take responsibility for their behavior, and it allows them to make up for their mistake.

Some final thoughts

Start this process early! Children can experience and learn from natural consequences for behavior at a very young age already! Don't be too protective of young children. Also, don't be too harsh on teenagers. Balance is important at any age. When wondering about a good balance between help or the hard way, ask yourself how YOU would want to be treated when you make a mistake, and then apply that to your child. E.g., how would you want your spouse or boss to react? You probably want them to be calm and understanding, yet fair. You want to be given the opportunity to make up for your mistake without feeling like a horrible person. You don't want your mistake to be brought up over and over. And you want others to show you respect by letting you handle the natural consequences of your behavior without being overprotective and treating you with pity.

Be a role model. When you make a mistake, admit it, even to your children. Your children will learn a lot watching you take responsibility for your actions and make a genuine effort to correct your mistake.

Keep in mind that your relationship with your child is most important! When in doubt about whether to help or let them learn the hard way, choose the action that will keep your relationship positive and close while still teaching an important lesson. Excessive yelling, nagging, lecturing, or punishing can seriously hurt your relationship in the long run which will reduce your child's motivation to do the right thing.