Strengthening Your Marital Friendship by Anne Brunette, Family Therapist February 2005

One of the most important ways to keep committed relationships strong is to build and maintain a strong friendship. Think back to when you first were getting to know your partner. You may have spent hours together “just talking.” You were sharing your history, your happiness, pain, fears, and current joys as well as your hopes and dreams for the future. You may have noticed that as time went on, you talked less and less about who you were and more about daily necessities.

While managing day to day life is important, maintaining a strong relationship also involves constantly sharing emotions, ideas, and hopes. It is so easy to get involved in daily living and stop asking how things are going, saying good-night, even really looking at each other. Even in daily life, if you pay attention, you can find ways to connect on more intimate levels. Following are examples of ways you can build your friendship and create a stronger relationship.

Find time in your daily routine to connect. As you make dinner, instead of having the TV on, turn it off and talk about something funny that happened that day. Have family meals together during which you each share what excited you most that day. Before bed, make sure to look at each other and say something you were thankful for that day.

Actively focus on positive aspects of your partner and the relationship. When you are away from each other, what do you think about? Do you think about how he or she disappointed you, or do you focus on something nice he or she did for you? Reminisce about past good times. Share daily what you find special about your partner.

Spend time having fun together. Go out, just the two of you, at least monthly. Also spend time with friends in situations that make you feel more positively about each other. Sometimes social situations bring out qualities in your partner that you do not see in other settings. Tell your partner what he or she did that made you proud to be with him or her. It is easy to complain about the negative to your partner, but sometimes it is more difficult to share when you feel great about something he or she did.

Spend time talking about the future. When two people come together, they often bring very different backgrounds, beliefs, expectations, and dreams. These differences can create stress and conflict that you may not realize. They also have the potential to bring you together. For example, how do you celebrate holidays? How do you share faith? What are the expectations for child rearing? How is extended family involved in your life? What are your hopes and dreams for the future? If you do not spend time talking about these important aspects of life, the friendship suffers and your relationship is not as strong as it could be.

You may have noticed that a part of each of these ideas involves TIME. The truth is that in any strong relationship, an investment of time is essential to making that relationship last. During this month of Valentines Day, make a commitment of at least 5 hours together per week. Show your partner that your friendship is the most important one in your life. You will both be better for it!

Suggested reading: Gottman, John (1999). The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work. New York: Three Rivers Press.