For
many adults and children, the holidays are a time to be around
family. Relatives that are rarely seen, friends of the
family, large crowds of people laughing and carrying on, old
issues under the surface, good feelings and bad can all occur
over the holidays. Smaller children often have increased anxiety
at these times, with unfamiliar faces and sounds. Many adults
do as well. In order to spread “Holiday Cheer and Goodwill” you
will need to communicate effectively.
Good communication is based on awareness and sensitivity to our
own signals and the signals of others around us. When it works,
the message sent is the same as the message received. This article
will focus on verbal communication, but it is important to remember
that not all signals are verbal. Body language tells us what
people MEAN by the words they say.
In English, body language
conveys 90% of all emotional meaning. Sixty-five percent of all
information is conveyed via body language, not words. Body language
includes physical posture, gestures, facial expression, hair
style and clothing. While you may say to your aunt that you are
interested in what she is saying, your hand over your mouth and
eyes on other people at the party convey a different meaning.
While you may have said to your brother that you are “over” that
argument you had last year, your avoidance of him and general
physical distance sends a different message.
First, good communication is about Attitude: allowing yourself
to feel positive and in control of yourself. When you smile,
blood flow changes in your brain. When you think positively,
you are better able to achieve your goals. “Glass-Half-Full “people
actually live longer than their “Glass-Half-Empty” counterparts.
When we are happy we feel better physically. Yet at times we
dwell on the negative, looking for things in situations and in
people that confirm our negative beliefs. For instance, we rehearse
all the imagined slights we have “suffered”. What
we pay attention to will determine what we experience. For example,
when we buy a new car, suddenly we see it on the road all the
time. Or when you have a gripe with a family member, they do
it all the time. Or if you are bothered or embarrassed with a
child’s behavior, it is all you see your child doing.
To
turn this around, change what you are looking for. Pay attention
to the efforts that estranged family members make in connecting.
Look for the good in others, and you will see it. In talking
about her work with the needy, Mother Theresa said that she
got to see the face of God in each and every one she helped.
Start
with a positive Attitude.
Next,
be aware of what makes people feel comfortable. Helping others
feel comfortable when we communicate with them improves
both their and our ability to effectively communicate. Try
to understand why you feel uncomfortable at times. For the
most
part, we are creatures of comfort. We seek things that are
familiar to us. When the people and things around us are
familiar and
consistent with our expectations, we relax, we are in control
and comfortable. When they are not, we seek to make them
so.
To
further understand this let’s briefly look at
our earliest experiences. Our brain is a dynamic, changing
organ. We literally
write and rewrite neurological paths when we use it. How
we are able to use them changes with development and time.
We start
out with the skills we need to survive: attention to patterns,
faces and basic needs. We begin to explore our world and
incorporate experience into our thinking. When things are in
sync, they make
sense to us. We cry for food, we get fed; we cry to be changed,
we are cleaned; we hurt, we are comforted. We are in Synchrony with our environment. This basic pattern is how we establish
our sense of security in the world.
Synchrony lays the foundation that allows us to grow and
become independent, healthy functioning adults. It is the
foundation
of Attachment. Attachment impacts how much intimate communication
a person can tolerate and how well they form their relationships.
When individuals have developed in an environment where
their needs were not met in a predictable and consistent
fashion,
they may struggle with relationships throughout their life
span. Intimate
relationships and social gatherings may pose a greater
challenge for them. It is normal for a two year old to
venture out
in a crowd and then run back to a parent for a “leg check” at
home base. Even adults have varied attachment behaviors. Think
of going to your first family gathering with a significant other
where you may have “clung” to each other. Later
on in the relationship, after you both feel more attached,
you may
check in from time to time but tolerate more separate moments
(this does not necessarily imply that by ignoring your partner,
you are very well-attached, football games or not).
Individual Differences, both separately and as a family
group, are important to recognize. Each person and family
has their
own way of communicating; loud, quiet, boisterous, reserved,
open, closed, serious, or humorous. When we gather for
the holidays, we mix and match different patterns of behavior,
both familiar
and novel. If we have a solid sense of ourselves we can
tolerate
and even enjoy a variety of different ways of doing things.
However, under stress, difficult situations or extreme
conditions, we
may have a greater challenge in handling situation that
are out of “synch” with us.
Another issue related to development and communication
is Procedural Memory. Procedural memory
is obtained without conscious experience
of learning and includes the “how” of a relationship.
Child and adult interaction creates a common, shared understanding
and an expectation of how future interactions of a similar
nature will unfold. These internal working models (procedural
memory),
based on a child’s interactions with care providers,
lay down the working model for relationships.
To
make the newest
member of your extended family laugh, play with their
expectations of the “procedure.” For example, peek-a-boo,
pretending you can’t see them while holding them
behind your back and chase games. Take time to make eye
contact, sooth a child,
smile and mirror their responses (to be in Sync). Remember
that each person is different, some social, some shy. Once
in sync,
you then move to something that breaks the patterns. For
example, flash an unexpected smile or funny face, or stick
out your tongue.
This good natured manner of breaking the pattern will often
make them laugh. Be creative but remember not to bare your
teeth to
small children, which will likely scare them. Do not push
if they show signs of discomfort. Backing off shows that
you are
responsive to them, increases trust and puts you back in
sync. When children say stop, stop.
To help adults feel comfortable, follow the same routine.
Reflect their comments, notice their nonverbal cues,
and be in sync
with them. Match their tone and communication style and
be aware of
your own “procedural memory”. You may find that
you expect people to behave in the same way year after year.
Try
to expand and challenge your views, or enjoy them for their
consistency.
In new or difficult social situations remember the
Ten
Keys to Effective Listening:
• Find areas of interest
• Judge content, not delivery
• Hold your fire
• Listen for ideas
• Be flexible
• Work at listening
• Resist distractions
• Exercise your mind
• Keep your mind open
• Capitalize on the fact that thought is faster than speech and
think of questions to ask
In
order to be an effective communicator you also must practice
Active Listening. Don’t just sit there looking bored. Active
Listening includes the following;
• Pay attention, maintain eye contact
• Summarize what they said
• Ask if you got it right, if not, listen again
• Summarize in your own words again
• Reserve judgment until complete process
•
Use “I” statements, keep verbal and nonverbal messages
consistent
When
we are faced with difficult situations, conflicts or disagreements,
communication can break down. Instead of engaging in simple contradictions…say
over politics, consider Miller’s Law (George Miller, 1980).
•
“In order to understand what another person is saying, you
must assume that it is true and try to imagine what it is true
of.”
• If a statement is not understood, most people assume that it
is false or there is something wrong with the person saying it.
In
order to use Miller’s Law effectively consider the
following:
• Do not prejudge, keep an open mind and suspend disbelief
• Assume that what you heard is true
•
Consider what could it be true of? (Not that the person saying
it is an idiot—Remember Holiday Cheer!)
On a final note, Mom was right. It is not what you say but how you say it. Consider how the meaning changes when you stress
different words. For example:
I didn’t say Bob stole my car.
I didn’t say Bob stole my car.
I didn’t say Bob stole my car.
I didn’t say Bob stole my car.
I didn’t say Bob stole my car.
I didn’t say Bob stole my car.
I didn’t say Bob stole my car.
Before you give a message, think about what you want to convey
and how you want to convey the information.
Happy
Holidays!
