Depression in Marriage:
Supporting Your Depressed Spouse
by Beth Rogers-Doll, PhD, Psychologist

Twenty million Americans suffer from depression each year according to the National Institute of Mental Health. What if one of those Americans happens to sleep next to you or share your name? That makes it very personal, doesn’t it? If you believe your spouse might be depressed, there are ways you can help.

Knowing what the symptoms of depression are can be the first step to helping your spouse. They include:

Treatment helps
Getting a depressed spouse to admit it can be a Herculean task, but once you have placed the list of depressive symptoms in front of him or her, there may be some progress. If you do not know of a mental health professional, recommend that your spouse see a physician. The physician can be helpful in steering you to a mental health provider that is reputable. Research has suggested for a long time that psychotherapy is extremely important. With psychotherapy and medication, many people fully recover in 6 mos. Some estimates are that 80% of people who seek treatment do recover. The problem is that less than half of the people who are actually depressed seek treatment for depression. It is best to get help as soon after depressive symptoms develop as you can.

Diplomacy helps
Keep in mind that if you have a depressed spouse, you may have a generally irritable person on your hands. That does not mean that it is okay for your partner to be rude to you, but it is best to be sensitive. If your remarks seem to tweak him or her, ask for clarification and move on more carefully.

Do not be parental
A parent tries to get a child moving by issuing commands, lecturing or scolding. This is demeaning to adults and probably to your spouse. Very few depressed individuals are disabled completely by depression. Because self-esteem may be at an all-time low, your spouse will be hurt if you try to be too parental. If your spouse wants a kick in the rear from you, make sure he or she has asked for it first.

Think about how depression is affecting your marriage and adjust your expectations until your spouse has recovered
Do you talk less as a couple? Is your partner less affectionate? Is your partner less helpful or more sedentary? Is he or she more critical of you or the children or performing poorly at work? Is he or she forgetting practically everything you tell him or her? Recall the list of symptoms and take heart. Let your spouse know how you are being affected. Work out a compromise that allows you to patiently let your partner know when he or she is impacting you or the children in a negative way.

Dealing with your own frustration
Try to resist telling yourself when your spouse is in a rut that your spouse does not want to feel better. That is surely not true. One of the difficulties that people have when they are depressed is motivation. Pair that with a good bit of hopelessness, and you have a recipe for being stuck. Therapy seeks to help people get infused with enthusiasm and optimism. Do not be too discouraged if you cannot seem to fill your spouse with the desire to do what needs to be done. If frustration or guilt seem too much for you to bear, seek help for yourself as well.

Try to resist telling yourself that the depression represents a character flaw or weakness in your spouse
The simple fact is that any one of us can develop depression if the environment around us darkens. When one loses an important role in life (worker, parent), an important person in life or an important philosophy in life (shattered dreams, expectations) depression is always a risk. Some people seem to have a genetic tendency to become depressed. If you find that you are angry at your spouse for being sad all the time, watch your communication for resentful remarks or sarcasm. These do not help the situation. You can say, “ I sometimes get upset and blame you for being depressed, but I know that you never asked to feel this way and you worry about how this is affecting me.”

Stay engaged in the marriage
Although you may feel hurt and neglected at times, try to resist pulling away from your spouse. Your support is the most important of all. Try to be affectionate. Keep in mind that because depressed people are sad, they are not always fun to be around, and they know it. But just at the time in life when they need others the most, they feel the least capable of reaching out for help. Praise and encouragement are something that all adults need. Find ways to express appreciation and faith in your partner. Help him or her to see the things that you find endearing.

How can I help?
Ask, “Would it be helpful if I push you a bit to get out of the house? I notice that you seem to be glad you got out after the fact. Please tell me when I am pressuring too much or just enough.” Or better still, “I am deeply worried about you and need a favor from you. Think about what ways I can ease your mind or help you to feel better.” Do not be surprised or deterred if your spouse says there is nothing you can do. Helplessness and hopelessness are being expressed. Then gently ask if you can make some suggestions. Many times, a psychologist or therapist will suggest pleasing activities to do on a regular basis. You can be an important part of those activities.

Humor heals
Helping your partner see some of the absurdities of life is often the best tonic. Laugh at yourself and encourage your spouse to laugh at you and him or herself. Be aware if your humor becomes insensitive. Arrange to spend time with people who laugh and enjoy life.

A final note of caution
Do not get caught up in the idea that you have to be the one to help your spouse. Help comes from many different places. The person who has the most work to do is your partner. Keep in mind that depression is treatable! All you have to do is seek it!