Keys to Successful Relationships

February 2004 Newsletter:

Beyond Valentine's Day:
Keys to Successful Relationships

Avoiding Negative Communication
by Beth Rogers-Doll, PhD, Psychologist

Valentine's Day is a day of flowers and chocolates, but anyone who has ever been in a long-term relationship knows that a successful one requires more than that. This month, as you reflect on ways to mark your continuing affection for your partner, consider something infinitely more useful and valuable than an expensive gift or roses: Your respectful, undivided attention when your partner is trying to communicate.

That’s it. If it sounds simple, it’s not! We do all sorts of distracting, annoying and sometimes mean-spirited things when our partners talk to us. Reading the paper, never lifting our gaze from the T.V., rolling our eyes, interrupting and making sarcastic remarks are only a favored few. There is also the famed storming out of the room.

Dr. John Gottman, a marriage researcher at the University of Washington, has been studying couples for over 30 years. He studies how couples talk to each other, and what they say, and then tracks them down several years later to see whether they are still married. He has discovered four negative communication behaviors which predict divorce with over 90% accuracy. He humorously dubbed them the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.” They are:

Stonewalling – or shutting down communication by leaving, ignoring, giving the silent treatment, etc.

Contempt – using sarcasm or eye-rolling, sneering, mockery, or hostile humor to demean our partner and his or her concerns.

Defensiveness – using excuses, blaming, counterattacking or other ways to avoid taking responsibility for a problem (e.g., "You do it, too!")

Criticism – verbally accusing or putting down our partner. This includes yelling and name-calling (e.g., "What's wrong with you?")

If you are guilty of one or more of the above behaviors, don’t panic. Now that you know what the danger signs in communication are, you can change them. Remember the Golden Rule: Speak as you would want to be spoken to!

Reference:
Gottman, John (1994). What Predicts Divorce? Hillsdale, NJ: Lawrence Earlbaum.

Making Your Relationship Thrive
by Karin Suesser, PhD, Psychologist

Nearly everyone experiences difficulties in their marriage or committed relationship from time to time. In fact, some conflict and disagreement are crucial for a marriage’s long-term success! But successful relationships also have certain characteristics that help them to thrive. Dr. Gottman, who identified the four negative behaviors that predict divorce (see above), also found four strategies that successful couples use to improve their marriage:

Calming down.
When you are feeling overwhelmed with anger, or extremely upset with your partner, you are more likely to “fly off the handle” or say things you later regret. Learning to calm yourself down at those times is a crucial skill. For most people, calming down takes about 20 minutes. So call a time-out, get away from each other and do something that you find soothing, such as deep breathing, sitting quietly, listening to music, calling a friend, or exercising. Even more importantly, remind yourself that even though you are upset now, you still love each other and that things are usually better between you.

Speaking non-defensively.
The easiest way to speak without being defensive is to praise your partner frequently and admire him or her for the kind of person they are. Even in strong relationships, people too often focus on the negative. Make an effort to think about and point out the positive whenever possible. Dr. Gottman has found that couples who have 5 positive interactions for every negative one are the most satisfied with their relationship. Make a 5:1 ratio your goal.

Validation.
This means letting your partner know in so many little ways that you understand him or her. It is putting yourself in your partner’s shoes and imagining how he or she feels, and then NOT trying to talk your partner out of those feelings. Validation includes showing empathy, taking responsibility for your own behavior, apologizing for mistakes, and complimenting your partner on handling a situation well.

Practicing again and again.
To truly make your marriage thrive, you have to try out the above strategies over and over, even when you don’t feel like it, and even when you are tired, distracted, sad, etc. Practice them until they become second nature to you so that you can use them even during the heat of an argument with your partner.

Reference:
Gottman, John (1994). Why Marriages Succeed or Fail. New York: Fireside.

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