Children's Behavior During the Holidays
Finding Teachable Moments
by Greg Henderson, MSSW, Psychotherapist

The setting is the family holiday dinner table. The characters are, of course, your family and friends. And the "star"—4 year old Cynthia, who refuses to stop whining and wiggling. While everyone sits awkwardly around the table, Cynthia continues with her behavior until, finally, Mommy steps in and removes her from the scene. She will miss the special holiday meal and her parents are feeling frustrated, disappointed and embarrassed.
Does this sound like a scene from a Christmas movie or perhaps a little closer to your own home? Whether you are celebrating Christmas, Hanukkah or Kwanzaa, you will want to help your children prepare for the much-anticipated holiday gatherings.

Children (like adults) manage new or stressful situations more effectively when they are prepared. Some simple things that may help you and your children get ready for the upcoming holiday season are:

• Prior to attending a holiday event, set expectations. Tell your children where you are going, what will happen there, who will be there, what type of food or snack may be served and other information that will help them know what to expect • Make a game of learning table manners. Remind children to say "no thank you" instead of "yuck" when broccoli is passed. Review the basics: chew with your mouth closed; stay seated until everyone is done eating; don't start eating until the hostess begins; take what you touch at a buffet line (and explain a buffet line if necessary) • Practice eating on a tablecloth with good dishes and candlelight before an event so children can get used to what is expected • Use doll houses and toy people to act out the occasion, going over parts which will be new or different • Use bedtime to tell a story about an upcoming event • Practice sleeping on a rollaway bed or with sister or brother before company arrives or you head to another home for the holidays. When sleeping away, try to stick to a similar bedtime routine wherever you are • Feed children a large, healthy snack in advance. They won't be grouchy from hunger or fill up on too much sugar if they are fed a little ahead of time! • Set some basic rules and stick to them. Talk about the rules and behavior that is expected when visiting family and friends since these may be different than the rules and boundaries set at home • Keep children's schedules and temperaments in mind when planning events. For example, rather than just skipping a theater event, you may want to take the children to an afternoon matinee if they are prone to "meltdowns" if they stay up past the regular bedtime.

After an event, or holiday gathering, review with your children how things went. Discuss what went well as well as things that could be improved. This can be a "teachable moment" for your children. Emphasize the positive—you don't want your children to dread family gatherings because all they hear afterward is what they did wrong. Praise them for situations they handled well and how they made you proud.

Remember that children are expert observers. They will learn what they see and hear. Do you lose it when the meal isn't perfect? How do you cope with the gift buying and decorating? Model good coping skills for your children.
You will be spending more time with your children over the holidays. The best gift of all is the quality of the time spent together and the verbal presents we share with each other.

And finally, lower your expectations—for your children, for your company and for yourself. Do your best to have things ready, but remember—the real event is about your family and the time you are spending together. Make it a memorable holiday season!