Discipline and Play in Parenting

March 2003 Newsletter:

Parenting with Mind and Heart:
Combining Discipline and Play
The Nurtured Heart Approach to Parenting
by Jackie Block, MFT, Family Therapist

The Nurtured Heart Approach to Transforming the Difficult Child is a parenting approach, developed by Howard Glasser, that builds on successes and emphasizes personal responsibility. Children view us as their most interesting toy. Our emotions and reactions are the prize. Whatever we invest our energy in gets interpreted by children as the things we love and desire more of. With this in mind, when we engage in arguments with our children, or focus more on correcting than preventing negative behaviors, the energy then becomes negative. If we have no choice but to be their most interesting “toy,” then what kind of toy do we want to be?

Mr. Glasser makes reference to “Nintendo Therapy.” Playing Nintendo makes perfect sense to the child. The rules are totally clear and predictable, and so are the incentives. One needs to build on successes and then earns the right to move forward. One does not want to give a bigger reward for negative behavior than positive behavior. Think about it, often parents spend more energy on providing a consequence for a negative action than on rewarding positive behavior.
Suggested actions for maximizing positives include the

Kodak Moment: Notice ordinary actions and moods and simply describe back whatever you see to your child.
Polaroids: Point out positive values and skills during the day. Energize these successes with recognition and appreciation.
Cannons: Appreciate when rules are not being broken.
Creative Recognition: Make your requests clear, without implied options, and recognize and appreciate any movement toward the direction being followed. Make the request as simple as needed to create at least a few successes each day. Give little energy to implementing consequences; simply state the broken rule and the consequence. If, for example, your child performs a “time-out” well, acknowledge the success of performing the time-out.

The Nurtured Heart Approach also uses a credit system to reward positives and allows children to see that there is no payoff in breaking the rules. Parents save their big reactions for the positives, and breaking the rules only gets a true consequence with no payoffs. Your child can then pour their energy into successes.

Better Connections Through Play
by Karin Suesser, PhD

We all know that we are supposed to turn off the TV and spend more time with our children. But sometimes this is presented as a way to protect our children from TV more than as something positive in itself. In fact, there are at least three good reasons to spend more time playing with your kids:

1. Play is a powerful way to build and maintain a deep emotional bond between parent and child.
2. Play can ease the stress of parenting, and make it more fun.
3. Play allows parents to enter their child's world, and to better understand what's on a child's mind.

As an adult, you may have forgotten how to really play with your child. Our days are filled with stress, work, and other responsibilities, and we often don’t have much room in our lives for fun and games. We may be tired and easily bored when we try to play with our children. Some parents may wonder why they should get involved when their children play well on their own. The best reason to get involved is that play is children's main way of communicating - they show us their feelings and experiences through play much more often than through talking. We need to hear what they have to say, and playing with them is the best way to listen. Fortunately, any parent can learn to be more playful, and to connect with children in a fun way. Dr. Larry Cohen, a psychologist specializing in children's play, suggests the following simple ways to put fun and play back into your family:

1. Join Children in Their World - this means getting down on the floor, literally, where children usually play (or, for older children, joining them at the mall, video arcade, computer, or listening to their music). Children need us to occasionally play the games they like to play, the way they want to play them. It let's them know that we are truly interested in them and their world. Once a day, for 10-15 minutes, try to simply join your child's play, without asking questions, making suggestions, taking over, or trying to teach your child anything.

2. Giggling - Laughing together is one of the best ways to create playfulness in your family. Children love it when adults are goofy and silly. Talk in a funny voice, make funny faces, tell jokes. Whatever makes your child giggle, do it again and again.

3. Active Physical Play - this is not just for boys and dads! Girls and moms also need, and often greatly enjoy, active physical play, such as chasing each other, playful wrestling and roughhousing, climbing, dancing, etc. Remember to keep it fun, not competitive, and let your child win often.

Suggested Reading: Cohen, Lawrence (2001). Playful Parenting. Ballantine Books.

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