Focusing
on Strengths.
Finding Solutions.
October 2003 Newsletter:
No
More Bullying:
Dealing with Aggression and Teasing
What Can Parents
and Teachers Do
to Help Bullies and Their Victims?
by
Karin Suesser, PhD, Psychologist
Being
teased, threatened, humiliated, or assaulted by schoolyard bullies
has become a fact of life for many children. Frequently, they are told
to accept the name-calling and bullying as part of growing up. However,
bullying and harassment often create a climate of fear that interferes
with school performance, and can lead to depression, anxiety, and social
withdrawal. If bullies are allowed to get away with their actions,
they frequently become even more aggressive. Research shows that both
bullies and their victims fight more often than their peers. It is
important for parents and teachers to help both the victims and the
perpetrators in order to build safer schools and neighborhoods for
all children.
Helping the Bullies
1. Don’t label the child. Calling
your child a “bully” only makes the problem worse. Instead,
talk about specific examples of when your child was acting aggressively,
and possible reasons for the aggression (e.g., peer pressure, thinking
it’s okay, trying to get back at someone who was mean to them,
etc.). Brainstorm several positive alternatives to aggression with
your child they could use in that same situation next time.
2. Intervene immediately. Many adults
have a tendency to ignore bullying, thinking that children should
be given a chance to work things out on their own, or that bullying
is just part of growing up. This teaches the bully that they
can easily get away with aggressive behavior. Instead, stop bullying
behavior as soon as you notice it, separate the bully from the
victim for a “cooling off” period, then make it very
clear that aggression and name-calling are unacceptable. Always
confront bullies in private. Challenging a bully in front of
his/her peers often enhances their status and can actually increase
aggression in the future.
3. Provide close supervision. Research
shows that the frequency and severity of bullying is related
to the amount of adult supervision that children receive. Without
clear rules against aggressive behavior and consistent consequences
for aggression, bullying behavior usually increases.
4. Promote a positive climate at home and at school. When
parents and schools do respond to bullying, their first reaction
frequently is to focus only on punishment, often involving harsh
discipline such as yelling or physical punishment, or severe
measures such as suspension from school or expulsion. These consequences
can have long-term negative effects, and do not teach children
to get along better. Instead, create a positive climate at home
and school where individuals are respected and appreciated for
their talents and abilities, and where children are taught to
work together cooperatively without competition, and to compromise
when necessary.
5. Reward appropriate social interactions. Encourage
children to get along with peers by rewarding them (with praise,
attention, special activities, snacks, points, stickers, etc.)
for helping others, cooperating, sharing, saying nice things,
and solving conflicts in non-aggressive ways. Don’t take
good social skills for granted!
Helping
the Victims
1. Use the Buddy System. Suggest that your
child stick with two or more other children at the playground, bus
stop, or wherever bullies may bother them. Most aggressive children
will leave others alone if they are in the middle of a group.
2. Encourage immediate reporting of bullying. Let
children know that it is safe for them to tell you about experiencing
or witnessing peer aggression, and that you won’t blame them
for the bullying, or for not “standing up for themselves.” Practice
with them what to say to a teacher or other adult if they need to
make a report so that your child will feel more confident approaching
the adult for help.
3. Teach and practice assertiveness. Tell
your child that while it’s not okay to respond to aggression
with more aggression, they can respond to a bully in a bold, assertive
manner by standing up tall and using a loud, deep voice, saying, “Leave
me alone!” instead of looking intimidated. Role-play this with
your child at home so they know what to do under pressure.
4. Teach and practice appropriate responses to teasing. The
standard adult advice for how to deal with teasing and name-calling
usually is to “just ignore it.” However, when ignoring
doesn’t work, teach your child to respond with agreement (“You
are right, my shirt IS really ugly – so what?”) or a compliment (“Well,
YOUR shirt is really cool!”) – this deflects the meanness
and does not encourage any further teasing.
5. Support other victims of bullying. Encourage
children to report the victimization of others to an adult immediately;
reassure them that this is not the same as tattling. Also encourage
them to offer support to the victim directly, for example by saying
kind words, or helping to pick up the victim’s books and handing
them back to him/her.