Most
young children are naturally curious about sexual issues.
They may engage in various types of sexual play, or ask
direct questions about sexuality. However, sexual interest
on the part of children may leave parents shocked, worried,
or embarrassed, not knowing how to react, or what to
say. Parents often cringe at the thought of talking to
their children about sex, especially when their child
is still a preschooler. Many of us find it difficult
to discuss sex calmly with our children, wondering where
to start and what to say. In order to help with some
of the confusion, we offer the following 10 guidelines
for approaching the topic of sexuality with your children:
1. Start early. Child development experts agree that parents
should start talking to their children about sexual issues when the children
are still very young. For example, in infancy, start by teaching the correct
names for all body parts, including their genitals. With toddlers, talk about
the difference between boys and girls, and about appropriate affection. This
gives children the message that sex is an acceptable topic of conversation,
and that they can come to their parents with questions about sex when they
are curious or confused instead of relying on information from friends and
the media. It is important to establish a comfort level with the topic of sexuality
for yourself and your children early on, and not put off the "big talk" until
puberty. Children usually have sexual thoughts and feelings long before they
become teenagers, and talking to them about sex early on, while they still
look at parents as the "experts," helps them understand those feelings,
and prepares them to make healthy decisions later.
2. Talk often. Learning about sexuality is a gradual,
ongoing process from infancy to the teenage years. It requires that parents
talk about sexuality again and again as children become ready to absorb more
information, and to build on the knowledge they already have. By approaching
the issue when your children are still toddlers, you will have the opportunity
to talk first about more comfortable issues like love and relationships,
and then, as they get older, to build on that information by discussing more
difficult issues such as sexual behavior, risks and responsibility.
3. Remember that it’s okay to feel uncomfortable. It
is normal for parents to feel uncomfortable talking to children about
sexuality, especially if your family never talked about sex as you
were growing up. But, by avoiding such conversations, you will indirectly
give them the message that you are not willing to talk, and that
they should seek out other sources of information. Don’t let
personal discomfort stop you from discussing important issues with
your children. Make a conscious effort to relax when the topic of
sexuality comes up. Children can often sense parental discomfort,
and may then avoid coming to you with questions about sex. It can
be helpful to admit to your children that you are a little uncomfortable
with the topic but that nothing is ever too hard to talk about with
them, and that you are always willing to answer their questions.
4. Be an “ask-able” parent. Reward
your child’s questions about sexuality by saying, “I’m
glad you came to me with that question.” If you don’t
know the answer to their question immediately, tell them that you
will find out and get back to them. Suggest finding the answer
together, by reading a book or looking up information on the internet.
This will teach children that they can come to you again when they
have other questions in the future.
5. Find “teachable moments.” Many preschoolers openly
play with their genitals around other people, especially during times of rest.
Occasional genital touching is normal and nothing to worry about. Children
do it simply because it feels good. It is not physically harmful, and does
not cause emotional problems unless parents overreact and give children the
message that sex is dirty, harmful, or frightening. When you see your child
masturbating, use it as an opportunity to focus on both pleasure and privacy
issues. You may want to say something like, “I understand that touching
your penis/vulva (or whatever term you use in your family) makes you feel good,
and it is perfectly all right to do that privately in the bedroom, but not
around other people.” When you find your child undressed, playing doctor
with another child or even trying to imitate sexual activity, such as lying
on top of another child, try not to overreact with shock and anger. Instead,
explain that you understand their curiosity about other people’s bodies,
but just as others shouldn't be sexually touching them, they shouldn't be sexually
touching others. Emphasize that it is okay for your child to touch him/herself
in private but that it's never okay for others, even friends, to touch them
that way. To satisfy your child’s curiosity about what bodies look like,
suggest getting an age-appropriate book that has simple illustrations, and
reading it together with your child.
6. Don’t wait until your children ask questions. Some children
never ask. Just like you teach them about traffic safety and good citizenship
without children having to ask you questions about it, you need to decide what
you think is important for them to know about sexuality, and then tell them
before a crisis occurs. There is no harm in talking to children about sexuality
in age-appropriate ways, even if your child appears to have no interest in
the topic, or seems embarrassed. Research shows that talking about sex does
NOT make children and teenagers more likely to engage in sexual activity, whereas
withholding information until you think your child is "ready" can
increase the chance that children will explore more on their own, go to others
with less knowledge or different values than you, or accept inaccurate information
as fact.
7. Use movies, TV shows, and commercials as opportunities to
talk. Our children are already exposed to lots of sexual information
through the media. Not talking to them about these issues only increases
the risk that they will grow up with misinformation about sex which can make
it more likely for them to experiment and take risks. When you see sexual
behavior on TV, such as two people passionately kissing each other, ask your
children what they think is happening, then explain that this is something
that grown-ups do when they love each other, and that they do it because
it feels good, and because it helps them feel closer.
8. Find out what they already know. When a child asks a question
about sex, a good way to respond may be by saying, “What do YOU think?” Not
only does this give you a little bit of time to think about the answer you
want to give, but it will also show you what your child already knows about
the topic, and will give you a better idea of what they really want to know,
and why. This information may help you prepare a better answer for your child.
For example, when a 4-year-old asks where babies come from, he or she probably
is not looking for an explanation about eggs, sperm, and intercourse. Instead,
they may only be interested in the fact that babies grow inside a mom’s
body in a special place called a “uterus.” The same question from
an 8-year-old, who already has a lot more knowledge about the topic, will require
a different, more complex answer. Let your child be the guide as to how much
information you need to give. Keep your answers short and simple at first,
and see whether your child wants more information at that time.
9. Don’t just talk about the “mechanics.” Go
beyond the “birds and the bees.” It’s not enough for children
to just learn the basic “facts of life.” In your discussions, share
your beliefs, feelings and values about sexuality. Tell your children why you
feel the way you do. Again, do this while they are still young and are willing
to listen to you as the “expert.” Hearing you talk about your values
regarding sexuality (e.g., at what age you believe people are ready to have
sex, or whether you think that sex should only occur in committed relationships)
prepares children to make responsible choices later on. Studies have found
that children whose parents regularly discussed sexuality with them before
puberty were more likely to delay sexual activity as teenagers, and showed
fewer risky sexual behaviors.
10. Talk about the joys of sexuality. Too often, we only teach
children how NOT to be sexual by imposing rules for what NOT to do, or teaching
only about the risks involved in sexual activity, such as diseases, AIDS, or
unwanted pregnancy. Children may get the impression that sex is something “dirty” or
scary to be avoided, and that having sexual thoughts and feelings is wrong.
It is crucial for parents to tell children that sexual feelings are a natural
and pleasurable part of life from birth to death, that sexuality is about love,
relationships, and intimacy, and that sex within a loving relationship is a
wonderful part of adult life.
