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Focusing on Strengths.
Finding Solutions.

November 2002 Newsletter:

Emotional Intelligence: Developing the Skills to Get Along With Others
by Karin Suesser, PhD

The ability to get along well with other people has become more important than any other competence in today’s world. People skills (which are also known as Emotional Intelligence) are specific skills that can be learned through awareness and practice. These skills include:


1. Building others’ self-esteem.
2. Showing empathy for others.
3. Communicating assertively.
4. Asking productive questions and demonstrating listening skills.
5. Responding productively to emotional statements.

Let’s take a brief look at each one of those skills:

1. Building others’ self-esteem. When you are in a situation where you are made to feel good about yourself, you feel good. You can do the same with others by doing the following kinds of things:

  • make eye contact and use people’s names
  • ask others their opinions
  • compliment others and tell them how much you appreciate them
  • pay attention to what is going on in people’s lives; acknowledge milestones and express concern about difficult life situations such as illness, death, and accidents
  • encourage others to explore their talents and interests

2. Show empathy for others. Empathy means recognizing feelings in others. It is the ability to put yourself in another person’s shoes and understand how they view their reality and how they feel about things.

3. Communicate assertively. Assertive communication is a constructive way of expressing your needs, feelings, and opinions, while also respecting the needs, feelings, and opinions of the other person. Assertive behavior is different from passive or aggressive behaviors in that it is honest, direct, constructive (not destructive), and delivered in a caring manner.

4. Ask questions and show listening skills. Listening skills help you demonstrate that you are hearing and understanding another person and are interested in what he or she has to say. Asking clarifying questions and listening with attention and without interruption makes the other person feel valued.

5. Respond productively to emotional statements. A skill called Active Listening is especially useful in emotional situations because it helps you show the other person that you understand what they are saying and how they are feeling about it. Active listening means restating, in your own words, what the other person has said. It’s not the same as agreement but rather is a way of demonstrating that you understand another’s point of view. Examples include “You seem upset that I’m late” and “I can see that you had a rough day at work today.”


The above skills can be learned and developed with some practice, and will help you to build better relationships at home and at work.