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Reward vs Bribe: What's The Difference?
By Sarah Arnold, PsyD
Quote for the Month
If you want children to keep their feet on the ground, put some responsibility on their shoulders.
- Abigail Van Buren
The school year is already in full swing and parents are using tactics to provide incentives to their children to keep them on task with chores, homework and behavior. In setting behavior plans, charts and discipline systems, parents often ask if there is a difference between a bribe and a reward. The simple answer is, “yes;” the complicated answer is the explanation of how.
Bribing involves giving something for doing the wrong thing and is done to gain influence. A reward is the positive outcome for completing an expected or desired behavior. To be a reward, it must increase the likelihood that the desired behavior will occur. For example, bribing your child with candy at the checkout because he is acting up is a form of bribery. This type of bribe only provides temporary incentives for behavior change.
A good behavior plan with a reward system works to instill in children the wish to use the desired behaviors in the long term, but this wish can develop only when children experience the pleasures of doing the right thing repeatedly and feeling successful in doing so. A chore chart is the most common example, but other examples may include:
- a jar that you fill with marbles or rocks each time a child complies with a direction on the first request
- a sticker system for getting ready independently
- a coloring sheet that the child colors sections for each time they go to bed without a hassle
- a type of token system in which the child earns points for behaviors, such as sticking to a schedule, getting along with siblings, showering without a reminder, etc.
Reward systems can take many shapes and forms; the key is to keep it simple and effective.
Using Reward Systems Effectively
The following are keys to using reward systems without letting them morph into bribes:
- Wait for a calm moment. Don’t offer a reward in the heat of the moment. Talk about the plan with your child when you and your child can “hear” one another.
- Similarly, never introduce a plan immediately after a child misbehaves. If rewards are offered to children just after they engage in undesirable behavior, they may learn only that bad behavior ultimately gets rewarded. Again, see point 1.
- Keep the plan simple so that it is easily usable by you and your child.
- Address no more than two to three target behaviors at a time.
- Stick to it. (this includes times when your child says, “I don’t care about the chart, jar, etc.”)
- Don’t give in to outlandish demands. Stand firm about appropriate awards that have been preagreed upon.
- Listen to your child. If he/she says, “Well, can we do it this way?” while planning the reward system, give it some thought. It might work beautifully and likely be more motivating for the child.
- Choose rewards carefully.
What Kinds of Rewards?
Put simply, the reward needs to be motivating to your child. Some children are motivated by going to their favorite park or by baking cookies with their mom, while others are motivated by stickers or small trinket prizes, and still others are motivated by earned minutes of video game or computer time. Whatever is chosen, should not only be motivating for the child, but also something that the child will only get upon earning it.
This can be tricky in a society of excess. This issue of excess can be doubly problematic in reward systems. First, we tend to reward with food in our society. Rewarding with food only sets the pattern of indulging with food to reward oneself. Learning this pattern at an early age may set the tone for a pattern of overindulgent eating or eating that is tied to emotional well-being. Secondly, we tend to reward with overly materialistic (expensive toys, video games, etc.) things and kids have a tendency to continuously seek external gratification. In other words, they want more and more rather than being satisfied with what they have in the moment and excited when something extra is present. Use social rewards when possible, including a smile, wink, “ata boy or girl,” “I love you” hand gesture across the room, etc.
Privileges
This leads me to the next large issue - privileges. Often, when I am working with families to set up a reward system, I ask the family what is motivating for the child. As they identify it, it turns out that the child has full access to whatever is
motivating that would be considered a privilege. Take, for example, computer time. Though your child may not think so, computer time is a privilege. Minutes can be earned as rewards to use this privilege. Again, in a society of excess, children often have things fully available which would seem wonderful to most people. However, in the reality of life, things are earned; therefore, earning things allows for both the feeling of accomplishment which can enhance self-esteem and for disappointment when things may not go as planned. Both are life skills.
Ending the Reward Plan
When the reward is earned, deliver it promptly. Along the way, talk openly with your child about their sense of accomplishment and how they may feel about themselves after doing well. Take time to tell them how proud you are of them and emphasize that your child did what he or she set out to do and succeeded. After seeing a behavior change, talk about the benefits he or she saw since the change (e.g. less yelling, nagging, more time for fun, etc). Continuing to talk about the changes and the accomplishment is part of the lasting change that happens with a successful reward plan. To maintain the behavior, reward intermittently. Eventually, the feelings of success and social rewards will be enough to sustain the behavior.
Lastly, some reward plans may continue (or be brought back) if the family finds them effective to stay on track. Rewards may also have to be changed to increase novelty. The important concept is to have a plan in place when needed, and to avoid bribery which leads to negative behaviors, rather than positive.
Recommended Reading
Rewards for Kids! Ready to Use Charts and Activities for Positive Parenting by Virginia M. Shiller
Upcoming EventsTalking So Your Kids Will Listen and Listening So Kids Will Talk
Presented by Dr. Sarah Arnold
Wednesday, October 27 from 6:30 to 8 p.m.
Boys and Girls Club, 382 Walker Street, Fond du Lac
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