Sorting the Wheat from the ChaffKeys to Finding the Right Mate for You
By Beth Rogers-Doll, Ph.D
Few things would seem to be more important than whom we choose to spend our lives with. And yet, many of us seem to fall into marriage with the wrong person. We start out dating and end up speeding toward long-term commitment. I would like to propose a few values that help in sorting out who is right for you.
1. DO NOT fall in love or lust with the first person who seems to care about you. When we do not have much experience dating people, we tend to be wowed by the first person who seems decent enough. People who don’t allow themselves to play the field a little often have regrets later.
2. Be extremely picky about the character and work ethic of people you date. Looks, money and a fun personality are all things that have no substance. A person who enjoys work, or at least feels obligated to work will be a contributor to your security in the future. Men, this goes for women who just want to be supported in a comfortable lifestyle without working. (This is different than the woman who wants to stay home to raise children).
3. Think deliberately about what your “deal-breakers” are. If you don’t want to marry an alcoholic, don’t get serious with a heavy drinker. If honesty is important, give up the chronic liar boyfriend. If mutual giving is essential, don’t settle for someone who is too selfish.
4. DO NOT stay with someone you immediately know is definitely not for you. Walk away. This includes staying with someone who is “not that into YOU”. Be willing to end incompatible relationships without having to fix all the broken pieces. A sweet guy with a temper is not as good a mate as a sweet guy with no temper.
John Van Epp teaches people of all ages “How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk (or Jerkette). Check our events page soon for dates when the training will be coming to Fond du Lac! There are critical stages in developing intimacy with a potential mate before committing forever to this person. If you follow these five points in order, you will not be having sex on the first or even the fifteenth date! Here are some of his key points:
KNOW – First you must find out all about someone. There are 5 large areas to delve into:
- Family background: You cannot marry Bart Simpson without getting the Simpsons. How affectionate is your family? How important is organization, cleanliness and timeliness? How is power shared among adults?
- Conscience and Actions: It is vital to ask yourself if this girlfriend has a well-developed conscience. Does she care if she hurts other people? Or is she just nice to you? Does this person have compassion for humanity? Can this person get into your point of view and feel your pain?
- Compatibility potential: This is more than what you have in common now. It is also how much you are likely to have in common as you age. Are you active while the other person is a couch potato? Are you an “Even Steven” in temperament, while your partner is a moody changeling? Do you want children, while the other person thinks kids are a type of vermin?
- Examples of past relationship patterns: Get the full story. Domestic violence is previous relationships should be a deal-breaker, unless someone completed treatment.
- Communication and ability to solve problems with a partner: Do things completely fall apart when the two of you have to solve a problem together? Does he or she say hurtful things?
TRUST - How deeply do you trust this person? Do they keep secrets? Do they change their stories or lie? Do they consistently show that they care? How much do their friends and family trust them? Does this person flirt and hang out with other prospects? Or cheat on you and then swear it will never happen again?
Another important aspect of trust pertains to ability and willingness to change. An individual who does not follow through on reasonable requests for change may be even more resistant once you both walk down the aisle. Once change is promised, does this person show the behaviors necessary to implement meaningful change between you?
You may find someone who trusts you completely and relies on you for everything—after 3 dates. That is not necessarily normal or healthy. Red flags may go up regarding someone’s inability to be independent or exist on their own. This person may be looking for more than love–a lifelong lifeboat. You will need, in this case, to consider how you will feel about this person 10 yrs from now.
RELIABILITY - Does this person have the necessary maturity to share in responsibility? Does this person follow through on his or her promises to you? You see how reliable someone can be after you have seen them in a variety of situations. Reliability is also how this person handles you when you are in distress. Do they care and spend time or do they expect you to always “suck it up”?
ABILITY TO COMMIT - What are examples of this person’s sacrifices? Are you a priority over this person’s hobbies? Over this person’s mother? Can this person resist temptations that draw him or her away from you? Do they jump ship when a prettier face comes along?
You can examine a boyfriend or girlfriend’s actual commitment to you by how much time and effort they invest in YOU.
SEXUAL TOUCH - It is better to work on the four other areas of attachment before becoming sexually involved. Sex means more when there is a commitment. Studies on couples who lived together before marriage and couples who did not have any sex before marriage found that couples who waited had more satisfying sex lives.
The ability to use both your head and your heart is essential to choosing a mate for life!
Quote for the month
Premarital insight and change is much more easily achieved than marital insight and change.
-John Van Epp
What's Happening at our Clinic?Marriage LINKS Retreat
Marriage: The Dance of a Lifetime
• Learn new skills to make your marriage great
• Friday, October 31 and Saturday, November 1
• Fri 6-9 pm, Sat 9 am-3 pm
• Check out our events page for more information
• To register go to www.thinkmarriage.org
PREP Relationship Enhancement
• Learn proven skills to make your marriage great! This practical, fun, educational program will help you and your spouse establish or solidify patterns that will have a long-lasting impact on your marriage.
• Saturday, Nov 15, Monday, Nov 24, Wednesday, Dec 10
• Sat 9-3, Mon/Wed 6:45-9 pm
• Check out our events page for more information: www.dollandassociates.com
• To register go to www.thinkmarriage.org
About our Clinic
Doll & Associates, S.C., is a state-certified outpatient mental health clinic, offering:
• Child, adolescent, adult, couples, family, and group therapy for a wide variety of emotional and behavioral difficulties
• psychological evaluations
• business consulting
• corporate counseling
• in-service training on various topics
Doll & Associates, SC has two locations:
40 Camelot Drive
Fond du Lac, WI 54935
1567 Sumner Street
Hartford, WI 53027
Phone: (920) 907-8201 Toll Free (877) 907-8201
Fax: (920) 907-8209
E-Mail: info@dollandassociates.com
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