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Managing Grief and Loss
By Anne Brunette, MSW
It’s one part of life that few, if any, of us avoid. Eventually, we lose someone we love. Most of us can relate through personal experience to others who lose someone close to them. While the person and the relationship may be different, losing someone evokes similar feelings as well as distinctive ones. Whether or not we feel exactly the same, we can usually empathize because most of us have been through loss and we also fear losing someone we love.
Loss through death is just one type of loss that can have a significant impact on people’s lives. Loss through break-up, moving away, loss of health, loss of a relationship, death of a pet, or loss of financial stability can also be extremely difficult for people. One very important thing to remember is that everyone’s grief is different but that there are not any “wrong” feelings.
Common feelings related to grief
Denial: Not wanting to face the loss. Feeling that it is just a dream
Shock: “I can’t believe this is happening to me.”
Numbness: Lack of feelings for a time
Sadness/depression: Crying a lot, feeling down most of the time, sleeping often or not being able to sleep. It is important to get help if you slip into depression. More on this later.
Guilt: Regret about what you did/didn’t do
Anger: Upset about the situation, possibly anger toward someone, trying to place blame
Fear: Afraid of the future, afraid of other potential losses
Again, while these are common feelings, there is no “normal” or “right” way to feel.
Actions that can help with grief
Seek support. Sharing grief can help people get through it. Keeping it in can lead to more depression and isolation. Talk to loved ones, find a grief support group, talk to a therapist specializing in working with grief. If you are involved in a faith community, engage in spiritual activities that are meaningful to you.
Take care of yourself physically. Try to eat healthy, get enough sleep, exercise. These actions can all help with both physical and emotional symptoms of grief.
Find ways to remember the person. There are many ways to keep memories alive. People experience different comfort levels of talking about/commemorating people they lost but sharing memories, making a memory book, and having rituals that remember the person are all possibilities.
Be patient with yourself. There is no timeline for grief. Allow yourself the time you need to grieve. Grieving is not a task to be accomplished. You may always feel some sense of loss, especially on significant dates such as birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays. Acknowledge the loss, even years later.
Seek professional help if necessary. If grief turns into depression, it’s time to seek professional help. This is not a sign of weakness, but a sign that you are willing to make sure that you are able to live your life despite the loss. Symptoms of depression include: difficulty sleeping or sleeping excessively, feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness, inability to function at home, work or school, thoughts of suicide, strong sense of guilt that won’t go away, and down mood more often than not. If you’re not sure whether or not it is depression, seek out a mental health professional who can help you determine a course of treatment.
Managing Grief over the Holidays
- Maintain familiarity. Continue old traditions if possible
- Avoid trying to please others. Do what you need to do for yourself
- Commemorate your loved one with a special new tradition
- Reach out to others. Helping others in need can help you
- Permit yourself some cheer without guilt. This does not mean you have forgotten
- Maintain connections with family and other support systems
- Let go of control. Allow others to help, don’t expect perfection
- Allow yourself to express your emotions. Ignoring or avoiding your feelings will just make them more intense
- Get enough rest and eat healthy. When you do not take care of yourself, your ability to handle emotional stress decreases
- Utilize creative outlets. Write, draw, talk, sing, etc. Find ways to express your thoughts and feelings
Quote for the month
Grief is a healthy emotion, and it's healthy to embrace it. By accepting loss, we clarify our values and the meaning of our lives.
-DEAN KOONTZ, Forever Odd
PREP—Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program
When: Friday, Nov. 13, 6-9 pm and Saturday, Nov. 14, 9 am-3 pm
Where: UW Extension
Presenters: Anne Brunette, MSW and Kathy Bonde, MSW
For more information: Go to our events page or www.thinkmarriage.org
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