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When Is It Not Just Being A Teen?

How to recognize when your child is asking for help without saying so

By Greg Henderson, MSSW

The question to be answered: “Is your teen troubled or just being a normal adolescent?” In answering this question, do not compare your child to other adolescents. Your child is an individual and is unique.

The focus needs to be on the change that has taken place. The concerning change will likely be sudden and dramatic. Do not be tempted to say “my child is not as bad as so-and-so” or “that’s how all teenagers act.” Generalizing and stereotyping may lead to ignoring problems that may get much worse.

Signs of a troubled teen include:

• Your child becomes more secretive. It goes beyond a desire for privacy
• Your teen has sudden, erratic mood swings that result in explosive anger. The reaction is out of proportion to the situation
• Your teen regularly misses curfews, lies about his/her location and who he/she is with
• Your teen has a sudden change in peer group, or limits your ability or efforts to meet the new friends
• Your teen has a distinct change in appearance (e.g. clothing, jewelry)
• Your teen is caught stealing money regularly
• Your child’s grades drop and has lost interest in usual activities

Such warning signs may indicate a mood disorder or alcohol/drug use. Parents often find it difficult to recognize depression in their teenagers. Teens who are depressed may seem more irritable than sad, which often leads parents to write off the symptoms as “normal” adolescent behavior. Early intervention improves the success of treatment. The more serious consequence of untreated depression can be substance abuse (self-medication) and the risk of suicide.

Typical signs of depression are:

Low energy, lack of motivation
Increased periods of sustained sadness
Increased irritability
Change in appetite resulting in weight loss/gain
Expressions of worthlessness, low value
Declining academic performance
Withdrawal and isolation from peers and activities
Increased indecisiveness and apathy
Frequent periods of crying for “no reason”
Suicidal ideas (with or without plan or intent)

Statements like “I wish I were dead” and “No one would care if I was gone” are signs of depression as well and should be addressed immediately. If this pattern of mood, attitude and behavior continues for a 3-6 month period, professional intervention is recommended.

Alcohol/substance use may also be the cause for a change in a teen’s normal activities, mood or behavior. Specific signs to be aware of include:

• Change in sleep patterns
• Locked doors
• Blood shot eyes
• Change in friends
• Slurred or agitated speech
• Change in clothing, appearance
• Unusual smell on clothing/breath
• Drop in grades
• Missing school – truancy
• Hyperactive or hyper-aggressive
• Secretive behavior

Often by the time a parent sees the obvious signs, the teen has a problem that goes beyond occasional use. Maintaining an every day, involved and interactive relationship with your teen is essential in navigating the pathways to young adulthood.

Communication is the key to staying connected.

Be approachable so your teen seeks out your support and guidance
Avoid judgment/blame. It is alienating to your relationship.
Avoid criticism. Negativity is unproductive.
Listen. Lecture less and show interest.
Be patient. Your time is valued most.

The first point of contact is the teenager’s school. They have mental health professionals including psychologists, counselors and school social workers. Be proactive, take action, and ask for help! Early intervention is essential for successful intervention.

See our parenting adolescents page for more great articles written by our therapists.
 

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