Taming the Green MonsterKeeping Jealousy Away
By Beth Rogers-Doll, Ph.D
Quote of the Month
Jealousy is the weed that prevents truly unselfish love from flourishing.
-Anonymous
- “You love her more than me.”
- “Your parents don’t spend as much time or money on our family as they do with your brother and his family.”
- “They have a better house than us.”
- “You tell your friends all your secrets and tell me nothing.”
- “He gets all the credit for ideas that we all came up with.”
The little green monster, jealousy, takes many forms in our life. No one likes to feel the sting of it, and most people with healthy egos do not like to be the object of it either. Below are some suggestions for battling our jealousy from the inside. Notice that all the hard work does not involve anyone, but ourselves. Jealousy lives in the individual, not the object of desire.
Possessiveness with Our Mate
Ask yourself, what you are jealous about? Is there a fear that your love will cheat on you? Or simply that another person will try to take your love from you? Do you have the belief that no one else in the world should give your mate joy or pleasure?
Curbing Behavior
It is essential in battling jealous feelings that you suppress jealous, possessive behavior. Try to list the jealous things that you say and do. Interrogating your partner about who he/she talked with or where he/she was is not going to relieve you of anything other than momentary jealousy. Soon after, the feelings will return. Jealous questions only push the person you fear losing further away from you. People with jealous husbands and wives are not pleased by jealous behavior. They are repulsed and angered by it. It not only does not convey a real interest in our loved one, but is a vote of “no faith” in the person we esteem the most. Most people feel degraded by their partner’s jealousy. You can rationalize that it is the “rest of the world” you do not trust, but your mate is the one who gets the punishment of your insecurity.
Here are some healthy alternative thoughts to practice:
- My mate’s relationships with other people do not take anything away from our relationship. I am the only one who can take away from that.
- True wisdom tells me that my love is the means to cementing my relationship, not outsiders’ behavior. Do I show my love in the best ways possible?
- My unfounded jealousy hurts my partner’s feelings and will eventually cause bitterness between us.
- When I notice that others are attracted to my partner, that is cause to feel lucky that my partner chose me.
- No one can “steal” my partner from me. My partner has to be willing to attach to someone else besides me.
Note: If your partner has actually been unfaithful to you, your hurt feelings are only natural. Check out my August 2007 Newsletter on “Surviving Infidelity”.
Coveting Thy Neighbor
Most of us have heard of the Ten Commandments and the instruction to avoid “coveting” the possessions of others. Why is that a problem? The reason is that envy is an emotion that drives evil and selfishness. If I envy someone, I may not be able to control my actions, I may become obsessed with what I do not or cannot have, and I will not be able to focus on my own life and its blessings. Now is the time to hold what we have as dear.
- Identify what you envy and let it go. Tell yourself that it is not important in the scheme of things.
- Focus on your blessings and strengths.
- Develop your own life to its fullest measure.
- Avoid trying to take what another has. Do not destroy relationships simply to satisfy your own insecurity. You just end up looking evil!
Noticing that People Have Their Preferences
What about situations where we think that a friend prefers someone else in a certain way or we worry that our parents have favorites?
We would all like for things to be fair and equal, but we must admit, at times, that they are not.
If your parents seem to spend more time with your brother than you, what can you really do about their behavior other than complain and make yourself less desirable to spend any time with? If you could dictate
that they spend equal time with you, what would forcing that really accomplish? Nobody enjoys being with another out of guilt.
- Your best bet is to focus on your relationship and work to make it the best it can be. What is it about you that is likable?
- Become more aware of the fact that we get different needs met from different people. One brother may be fun-loving, the other more serious. Both have their assets and both meet different emotional needs.
- You can ask your friend or loved one if there are some difficult qualities that you possess or how you can have more fun together.
- But, at the end of the day, you cannot control whom another prefers.
- It is the choice to accept another’s preferences that will give you peace. Make a commitment to stop keeping score of how much attention you get vs. someone else.
- Put your energy toward the people who seem to prefer you. That is a natural fit.
Summary
Once you come to believe that jealousy is your own problem, not others’ problem, it is easier to battle. Controlling another person’s behavior and activities will only feed the erroneous idea that you can keep someone happy in a cage. Instead, if we accept that those we care about have room in their hearts for many people, not just us, we will be less likely to sabotage the love that we have.
Recommended Readings
Overcoming Jealousy
The Othello Response: Dealing with Jealousy, Suspicion and Rage in Your Relationship by K. Ruge & B. Lenson Beyond Sibling Rivalry: How to Help Your Child Become Cooperative, Caring and Compassionate by Peter Goldenthal
Upcoming EventsSummer Groups
Doll & Associates will once again be facilitating Social Skills groups for children and teens. Groups are starting in June, so call (907-8207) for more information or check out our events page.
Marriage Workshop
Prevention & Relationship Enhancement Program (PREP)
When: Sat. May 16 (9-4) & Mon, June 1 & 15 (6:30-9)
Where: UW FDL Extension
Why: To learn skills that enrich your marriage
Cost: $29.00 per couple includes materials and lunch
Register online at www.thinkmarraige.org
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