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The Rumor MillStopping Gossip in its Tracks By Jackie Block, MFT It is said that people who gossip suffer from low self-esteem. Gossip is their avenue of seeking acceptance and fitting in with a friend or group. They do so by sharing tales about others and embellishing with half-truths. Sometimes such people are vengeful and want very much to ruin the life of another due to jealousy and hatred. Sometimes gossip is about sharing information, perhaps a secret, and the intent is not necessarily to discredit or cause harm.
Whatever the reason for the gossip, it can become a harmful vice that often takes on a life of its own. When it becomes the destroyer of lives, including that of the one spreading the rumors, it is time to take action.
If you are a parent reading this article, you must first take a look at yourself and examine whether or not you are prone to gossip. Are you often caught on the phone sharing tales of the neighborhood? Are you caught poking holes into the virtues of others? Are you more likely to tear down a person instead of building them up? If your answer is yes to any one of these questions, you are setting a less than positive example, with what has become a very bad habit.
I find at times that parents tend to be less forgiving of what other children do to their son or daughter than the child. I have seen parents perpetuate a fight by taking over the battleground and creating a deeper wound than if the children themselves settle the dispute and it ends in forgiveness. Keep this in mind as you read the following tips regarding the battle against the rumor mill.
If your child is the victim of a vicious rumor, your job is not to jump in & fix it but to coach your child with the tools necessary to combat the problem. Just the Facts
- Don’t ignore your child’s plea for help. Don’t assume the gossiping, teasing and bullying will stop if he or she just ignores it.
- Have your child make a list of basic details like who, what, where and when regarding the rumor.
- Find out your child’s involvement in the gossip. How does he or she feel about it? What part of it is true if any? What part of it would he or she like to be true, if any?
- How does your child think this rumor started?
- What does your child think is the motivation for this rumor?
- How many times has this rumor been thrown in his or her face and how has it changed his or her relationships with others? How has it changed your child’s actions or attitude?
- It is very important if you need to go a step further and contact the school by making a detailed account about what has happened before and what happens after your child has taken action.
Confronting the Source
- Have your child write down and practice what he or she wants to say to the source of the rumor. Practice words, tone, and, posture.
- Be clear, state what the problem is and what needs to be corrected. End with a positive note, perhaps by letting the source know you trust he or she has the power to stop it.
- Don’t expect an apology or an admission of guilt from the source. Prepare your child to not get caught up in any detour about how he or she found out this person was the source to begin with. Just stick with the request.
- Being brief and showing confidence lets the source know that your child will not allow such horrible gossip to happen.
Involving the Parents of the Source
- Think over the risk and benefits of involving the parents of the source.
- Be clear with the facts and don’t be accusatory.
- Be somewhat sympathetic and thank them for trying to be part of the solution.
Involving the School
- List your goals for the meeting – what you want to see happen.
- Share what you know.
- Utilize school policy to address the issue and come to a solution. Make sure there is a date set to resolve the issue or re-address it.
Your Child is the Source of the Gossip
- Talk with your child alone about what you know about the current rumor.
- Let your child know that you are aware of his or her involvement without revealing your source.
- Talk with your child about how actions and words hurt others.
- Talk with your child about how he or she can apologize with sincerity, for him or herself, and without digs or accusations about the other.
- Talk with your child about other ways of being included, how to be a good friend, and maintaining healthy self-esteem.
Resources
Queen Bees & Wannabes – Rosalind Wiseman
Reviving Ophelia – Mary Pipher, Ph.D
Quote of the month:
“Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people.”
- Eleanor Roosevelt
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