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Types of Overly Indulgent Parents

By Beth Rogers-Doll, Ph.D

Quote of the Month

As adults, we must ask more of our children than they know how to ask of themselves. What can we do to foster their
open-hearted hopefulness, engage their need to collaborate, be an incentive to utilize their natural competency and compassion...show them ways they can connect, reach out, weave themselves into the web of relationships that is called community.
-Dawna Markova

Jim Fogarty (www.drjimfogarty.com) is a psychologist who travels the USA teaching professionals and families how to avoid raising spoiled, overindulged and conduct- disordered children. My article will attempt to briefly summarize Dr. Fogarty’s ideas.
Central to working with overly indulgent parents is the idea that these parents have adopted inaccurate, distorted ideas about what makes a good parent. These distortions of effective parenting guide their repetitive errors in rearing self-guiding, happy and respectful youth.

Type I. The “Giving” Parent compulsively gives in to every whim a child has. This parent buys too many things and has difficulty refusing any request a child may make, even unreasonable ones. This parent is often repairing his/her own childhood deficiencies through parenting to keep a child “happy as a clam” no matter what. This parent becomes a one-dimensional “Yes Man” and does not explore other aspects of a good parent, such as the disciplinarian or the teacher. The child may have an impoverished sense of self and lack ability to entertain oneself. Beware feeling too guilty about divorce and becoming this parent!

Type II. The “Reminder” Parent worries about confrontation from the child. This parent will talk a teacher out of disciplining their misbehaving student! This parent “reminds” the child to behave, rather than requiring positive behavior and punishing negative behavior. This parent may offer warnings, but the child knows that the bark is worse than the bite. This parent is considered lazy by other parents, who know that it is necessary to stop their socializing to correct a misbehaving child at a social gathering.

Type III. The “Blinders” Parent is excellent at spotting the special qualities in her child, but has extreme difficulty recognizing the genuine faults in that very same child. There is a tendency for this parent to edit reality, often pointing out how other people’s children are the bad ones. For example, a girl may be a straight “A” student who routinely bullies and crushes the egos of other girls at school. Her mother may have the blinders on when it comes to this key character flaw in her smart girl, choosing only to see what she wishes to see. This parent is often competitive with other parents and gauges her own self-esteem off the child’s achievements.

Type IV. The "Glorifying" Parent is quite similar to the Blinders Parent, except for one key difference. The Blinders parent can accurately see the talent a child possesses, while the glorifying parent sees qualities that their children do not actually possess. The glorifying parent transfers his/her own narcissism and exaggerates a child’s positive abilities. The child who is “bright average” might be hailed as a genius to every individual who will listen. This is very upsetting to the child, who comes to believe that the parent has no idea who they really are, inside or out. This causes the child to feel very unloved and rejected. This type of parent needs a more fulfilling life of his/her own.

Type V. The “Permissive” Parent has the quality of naively trusting a child too much and so will grant freedoms a child is much too young to have. These children are allowed to be involved in activities for which they are not mature enough to handle. These parents may encourage dating way too early and may have drinking parties for their seniors in high school. Parents who are overly permissive are afraid of making their children mad. This may arise out of a history of parental violence or sibling violence in this parent’s childhood. Another childhood that can give rise to this type of parenting is an overly strict upbringing.

Type VI. The “Favoritism” Parent has a rigid preference for one child over another. This is a painful dynamic for the unfavored child and may permanently damage parent and sibling relationships, even long after the favoring parent has died. An outgoing parent may prefer the outgoing sibling over a more reserved sibling. Or a shy, anxious parent may prefer or coddle the shy school-phobic child. An emotionally needy parent may prefer a more soothing, nurturing child to a more independent child. A successful attorney may prefer the child who seems brighter. The reasons for unfairly treating one child better than the others are truly endless and relate to an individual’s unhealthy focus.

Type VII The “Blaming” Parent protects the child at the cost of targeting or scape-goating other possibly innocent children. Blaming parents may have children who are criminal in behavior and are allowed to continue down this path to eventual prison time. Making excuses for a child’s poor
choices is not doing any child a favor.
The child may grow to be angry in response to life’s difficulties, rather than introspective and calm.

Type VIII. The "Overly Responsible" Parent has excessive guilt, shame and self-blame. This plays out in parenting a child without expecting proper independence and taking of personal consequences. The child may not learn basic skills such as making one’s bed or brushing one’s teeth. As a result, a child may have difficulty developing self-control and proper behavior. Not only can a child grow up lacking in self-confidence, but the adult child may have trouble leaving home. This child may also act out with the law and at school.

Type IX. The “Ultimately Responsible” Parent is the parent who does not provide consequences or discipline because of an explosive anger problem. The parent may abuse the child emotionally and physically and then overcompensate for cruelty with lavish gifts and privileges. The child learns to manipulate others through guilt. This combination of abuse and failure to mentor can cause a very maladjusted adult who goes on to do the same to others.

Summary
Dr. Fogarty points out that “mentoring parents” sit beside a child and show him the way, while overly indulgent parents elevate a child in some inappropriate way. Your child just wants to be beside you, not above you or anyone else.

Seek professional help if you recognize yourself in these lists. We often bring unsolved riddles from our own childhoods into our adult parenting. Keep in mind, though, that all parents overindulge their children at times, especially during hard times. It is daily patterns that constitute a problem. When you begin to shift overly indulgent parenting to mentoring parenting, you will see a shift in your child’s happiness level over time, as your child achieves a better balance.
 

Resources

Overly Indulged Children: A Parent’s Guide to Mentoring, by James Fogarty, 2003.

Too Much of a Good Thing: Raising Children of Character in an Indulgent Age, by Don Kindlon, 2001

Boundaries with Kids, by Henry Cloud, 2001