Battling the Marriage Blues
By Beth Rogers-Doll, Ph.D
There are many reasons why marital satisfaction decreases (sometimes to frightening low levels) over the lifespan. Research tells us that marital satisfaction declines during the childrearing years and does not increase again until the children are raised! During these low spots, problematic patterns can develop, such as the woman who secretly spends money or the man who secretly surfs pornography. These are symptoms of a troubled marriage.
Below are a few ideas describing beliefs that cause us to despair about marriage. This article is not intended to criticize those who have gone through or are going through a divorce.
Disillusionment
Marriage is a complex organism. It takes as much respect and commitment as it does love. Passion can leave. Commitment stays. Ironically, after 10 yrs of marriage, many think they can do better. Find a thinner, sexier partner who doesn’t get depressed. Why do so many think they deserve better? It is ironic when, after we have bloomed and benefited in the wisdom, encouragement, economics and children of a longtime partnership, we decide it is not good enough. We think we have moved beyond our partner. Maybe our partner has numerous faults or just a few faults which we choose to focus upon.
Maintaining intimacy according to Terence Real, means that we have to deal with a very grownup paradox: being truly intimate over the lifespan means we have to be able to tolerate loneliness and solitude at times within our own marriages. Both people simply cannot maintain a constant level of intuitive caring over 50 yrs. We get lonely at times. We get selfish at other times.
We all secretly think we deserve a “soulmate”. But the truth is that we get a human being. That human being tries to put up with us. And we have to be willing to tolerate sadness when we don’t get what we think we deserve.
Personal Responsibility
Many of us choose to be halfheartedly married, so we end up getting fired for doing a poor job. Just because you come home every night to your spouse does not mean you deserve this person. If you fail to be there for this person in the worst of times, you have violated your marriage vows. For instance, a husband who checked out emotionally and mentally during the entire period that his wife went through breast cancer treatment would be facing a marital crisis when she was through. She might divorce him after she got well, saying she simply couldn’t forgive him for abandoning her when she was so terrified.
If your partner has begged you to get into couples therapy or begged you to be more considerate, and you fend off these pleas with stubborn silence or keep up your wall, you may have difficulty forgiving yourself later.
Intelligent and caring people sometimes turn their back on the only person they ever signed a contract to love. They know their partner needs more, but they wait until they are SURE that partner is ready to leave to make the critical changes necessary. Then, they cry and gnash their teeth when their partner says, “Sorry, I’m leaving. Your efforts came too late.” Whose fault is it when such a marriage ends? Is it the fault of the person who knowingly failed to make changes or is it the fault of the person who will not give up their righteous anger to forgive?
What About My Needs and Marriage?
Depending on how we have been raised, we can come into marriage with a naïve and selfish idea of what it should be like. If my parents always made everything easy and spent hours bolstering my self-esteem, I may be expecting the same from my spouse. Once the intensity of new love wears off and the exhaustion of childrearing kicks in, I may be angry because my spouse doesn’t “give me enough love”. Closer to the truth is that I may be waiting to be loved instead of earning that love through my own sacrifice and tenderness. John F. Kennedy said, ”Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country.” These are wise words for marriage too.
Dropping the Pride
We can choose to challenge ourselves and our pride and get help for our marriage. It is okay to say that we need help. We can look for support within our families to get through the hard times, and we can lean on our pastors and priests. Couples therapy often helps to save marriages, but it is not usually successful as a “one shot deal”. I tell many couples that maintaining a marriage may mean, for some, that they come to regular booster sessions with the mental health professional who has helped them. Otherwise, they may forget the positive patterns they worked on together.
Realistic Expectations
None of this is new. Marriage is hard work and sometimes unrewarding. But it is a relationship where we can truly be ourselves while striving to be better. Indeed, marriage is also a protective relationship which offers economic security and health benefits. And yet, when a marriage is severely distressed, all these benefits seem to evaporate. If your marriage is distressed, please reach out for help. Fond du Lac County has a non-profit organization to support marriage called Great Marriages of Fond du Lac. Look them up at www.thinkmarriage.org.
Reference
"How Can I Get Through to You? Closing the Intimacy Gap Between Men and Women" Terrence Real (2002)
Quote for the month:
Marriage is not supposed to make you happy. It is supposed to make you married.
~ Frank Pittman, PhD.
How about being a classy couple and taking a marriage education class? Check out www.thinkmarriage.org for classes in your area!
Also, check out our events page for great marriage classes and other groups and workshops available at Doll and Associates! |
