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The Power Of Relationships
By Anne Brunette, MSW
If I had a dollar for every time I heard someone in couples therapy say, “It’s just the way I am”, I’d be rich (Okay, maybe not rich, but I hear it a lot!). Often, this is said so one spouse has an excuse to continue doing something that the other spouse finds annoying or otherwise difficult to handle.
While it is true that we all have personality characteristics that remain relatively consistent, part of what is amazing about relationships, especially long-term ones, is that they serve to make us better people, if we allow them to.
Let me use an example. A man grew up in a family in which affection was not shown much at all. He was uncomfortable with hugs, words of appreciation, even saying “I love you”. His wife grew up in a family in which hugs, kisses, touches and words of appreciation were expressed often. When they got married and had children, the effort he showed in terms of affection in the early part of their relationship was replaced by retreat into the same patterns he was familiar with as a child.
His wife felt unloved and his kids did not know how their father felt about them. Unaffectionate was “just the way he was”. His wife challenged him to express how he felt more often. She helped him become more open with his family about how he felt. He became a better husband and father (at least according to his family) because of the power of the relationship. He was willing to go out of his comfort zone for his family and his life was enriched as well.
Differences in how people relate to money is another difference that can create challenges, and growth in a marriage. People often have different beliefs and behavior regarding money. One person may value saving more and the other wants to spend. It could be said that, “It’s just the way I am”. Managing family finances with someone else takes a different set of skills than doing it on your own. You need to be able to work as a team, have patience, and listen to someone else. It may mean trusting that your spouse has a different, maybe even better, way of doing it than you do. You need to work together and not allow stubbornness to get in the way.
Relationships teach us about ourselves. Can I stick to a commitment, even when it is difficult? Am I capable of trusting and being vulnerable to another person? Do I need to always be in charge or can I step back and allow myself to be led? Am I willing to sacrifice for someone else, or do I tend to be self-centered? Of course, safety has to come first. When there is abuse, mental illness, or addiction, professional help is often required to determine if the relationship is safe.
Relationships also teach us about sacrifice. They teach us, at their best, about how NOT to be selfish. I have a friend whose mom had an anurism when we were in high school. It was amazing that she survived. She was physically changed forever. She had short-term memory problems, struggled with depression, and many other physical and emotional challenges. She lived in nursing homes for 23 years. Her husband stayed by her side the entire time. Talk about sacrifice. 23 of their 44 years together were spent living apart, with him visiting daily and seeing her suffer physically and emotionally. I’m sure he never imagined this kind of marriage on the day he said, “I do”.
When she died in November, he continued to talk about his love for her. He shared her story of love for others and of what she gave to him and those around her through her love. What he so strongly wanted those coming to her funeral to know and remember is the love she shared with those around her. I’ll try to show that love to others, but will also try to have the willingness to sacrifice for those I love like he did. I have no doubt that despite the pain and difficulties, he believes the sacrifices he made were returned ten-fold in the love he received.
Relationships with our kids teach us as well. How many times have you been challenged by your kids because you have done something you have told them not to do? How many times have your kids asked you a question that has challenged you to find an answer? (For example, the time my 8-year-old daughter heard the word, “sex” on TV and asked, “Mom, what is sex anyway?”)
Our kids see what we do and often, while we would like them to listen to what we say not what we do, they know when we are being hypocritical. For example, telling them not to drink or smoke when we do those things excessively; telling them not to lie and then they hear us asking our spouse to tell a friend or our in-laws that we are not home; telling our kids to be kind to each other when we yell at or are unkind to our spouse. We all can probably think of things that we’ve done and were challenged on by our children. Do you have the courage to hear them or do you stubbornly make excuses as to why it is okay for you to do those things?
Friendships also can be powerful. Unlike our family, we have more freedom to choose our friends. We usually need to work harder to maintain friendships because they do not live with us or expect as much of us as our family. The fact that our friends don’t HAVE TO spend time with us is part of their power in our lives.
We often need to be more careful about conflict for this reason. If we can share openly with a friend and let that person know who we are and they still want to be with us, it is a great feeling. Again, being willing to give of ourselves to be there for someone else while also accepting their love for us is sometimes a challenge, as in all relationships. We cannot do that on our own. We need relationships to do that for us.
When we are willing to allow another person to help us grow, change and learn, we become better people. Don’t allow stubbornness or arrogance to stop you from becoming a better person through your relationships with others. Don’t let yourself be “just the way you are”!
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