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Healing the Wounds of Childhood as an Adult

By Beth Rogers-Doll, PhD

At the start of 2008, you or someone you love may be “setting the bar for self-growth” for the next year. Most of us do. But what if that expectation encompasses healing old wounds from childhood? Many individuals fervently wish to put childhood abuse behind them, but find that their parents, siblings and grandparents put pressure on them to be silent about past abuse, hide it or “get over it”. These conflicts make the recovery that all desire more difficult and delayed.

What Not to Do:

1. Push the pace or try to expedite your sibling or adult child in healing. You do not get to set the timeline for getting better, and the words you say can make you sound callous and controlling.
   Examples of pushiness are:
   --“It’s time for you to get over the abuse. You’re an adult now.”
   --“It happened so long ago. Can’t you just think about something else?”
    
2. Imply that people deeply bothered by child abuse are somehow weak. We know that there is a universe of individual reactions to abuse. There are some people who seem to be unaffected by their childhood abuse. However, those people are not common and should not be held as the perfect example to those of us who are deeply affected by memories of abuse. It generally works well to avoid judging loved ones who are impacted severely by abuse memories. We find that those individuals who survive and grow to adulthood are anything but weak. That is why we call them “survivors”.
    
3. Imply Martyrdom. Please try not to imply that the person who is in pain over child abuse is “holding onto his/her pain” or refusing to “Let go and let God”. To hint that someone wants to be in pain is extremely condescending and insensitive. This does not mean that you don’t have a point. But your comments have a zero likelihood of being helpful. Only a therapist or trusted confidante has the rapport to offer such an interpretation. Additionally, to hint that someone’s continuing pain manifests a poor faith in God is inadvertently using religion to hurt someone. Also, it is as if you are saying that You, the Almighty, know what God may want for this person.
    
4. Minimize a person’s pain by making statements such as these:
   “Your Dad didn’t hurt you that much.”
   “At least you weren’t sexually abused.”
   “John had it worse than you did.”
   “I heard a story worse than yours.”
   Minimizing is a sometimes healthy, but often unhealthy defense mechanism that people use to make themselves feel temporarily better. When a problem is severe, minimizing (similar to denial) can delay a person’s attention to a potentially life-threatening situation. For example, if you tell your sister that her problem is not very bad, you are not helping her shift her thinking, but you are probably insuring that she will not be able to bring her feelings to you in the future. If your sister is having nightmares and flashbacks of childhood abuse, it is not a minimal or mild problem. Your recognition that it is severe enough to warrant getting help is a source of support.
    
5. Deny that the abuse happened. This is the most harmful of the mistakes that family members can make. We are all hurt when someone wrongly accuses us of lying. That is how your sibling or adult child feels when you tell him/her that the abuse they so vividly recall never happened. On the other hand, many vistas open up for the person when others say, “It happened to you. I know it did.” The individual feels heard and understood in a more intimate way. This is a type of validation, and it is a hallmark in psychotherapy for healing abuse. It is a positive way of honoring the strength and experience of an individual, no matter what happened. You do not need to agree with the actual events to honor someone else’s experience of those events.
   “False Memory Syndrome” is a concept that is controversial in the mental health field and is well beyond the scope of this news article, but suffice it to say, FMS is a questionable concept used by many perpetrators to wiggle out of admitting the harmful things they have done to children. And though there are certainly people who falsely report that they have been abused, the great majority of people who face condemnation and embarrassment to report their abuse are coming forth to tell a genuine story. 

How to Help

1. Be a resource. Look up books and articles on the subject of abuse. Offer them to your family member. It lets that person know your thoughts are focused on the issue. Posttraumatic Stress Disorder is a condition that can cause difficulty working and functioning. Learn more about it.
    
2. Call frequently to check up on your family member. This is preferable to saying, “Call me if you need me.” A hurting individual will usually try to ride out tough moments without bothering other people who may be busy. Picking up the phone yourself takes the guesswork out of the situation.
    
3. Ask what you have done that is the most helpful or what might be helpful. This will often pull for more truthful answers.
    
4. As a sibling in the family, admit that your childhood is probably not the same childhood that other siblings had. Some families have 2 or even 3 sets of siblings born in different decades. This can result in 2 siblings having different childhood experiences. Younger siblings can be molested, neglected or exposed to alcoholic parents after older siblings leave home. Or the reverse can be true: a younger sibling can have the best years in the family if the family is more financially prosperous or parents enter sobriety.
    
5. Understand that neglect can be as harmful as abuse. Child welfare workers know the truth about neglect. It is devastating to a child’s development to grow up in a neglectful household, where all the critical tools for growing are never given to a child; where love and nurturing are absent. A neglectful parent allows others to harm a child when that child seeks the nurturance of other unsafe adults or children.
    
6. Respect your family member’s attempts to take care of self. If your family member cannot attend events or chooses not to, try not to make a federal case of the matter. This person may have thought carefully and agonized over the decision not to attend a family function that brings up horrible memories. Over time, this person may resume activities once recovery is better established.

Helpful websites and books regarding abuse

www.apa.org ---the American Psychological Assn’s national website has information on many aspects childhood abuse as well as other types of trauma
www.nimh.nih.gov --- the Nat’l Institute of Mental Health’s website has info about Posttraumatic Stress Disorder
 

IT HAPPENED TO ME: A Teen’s Guide to Overcoming Sexual Abuse by Wm. Carter (2002)
I CAN’T GET OVER IT: A handbook for Trauma Survivors by Aphrodite Matsakis (1996)
VICTIMS NO LONGER: Men recovering from incest and other sexual child abuse by Mike Lew (1990).
 

Quote for the Month

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.

--Lao Tse

Upcoming Event

Parenting An Adolescent in the 21st Century

A Parent Night presented by Doll and Associates clinicians in partnership with Theisen Middle School

When: Tuesday, January 29, 2008 at 6:00 pm
Where: Theisen Middle School

Topics include:

• Internet safety
• Drug and alcohol issues in adolescents
• Adolescent development
• Gossip and girls
• Communication