Everything You Should Know About Your Child's Sexual Behavior

Thursday, October 23, 2003, 7:00 - 8:30 p.m.

This community program was made possible through a community partnership between ASTOP, Department of Social Services, Fond du Lac City Police, The Fond du Lac School District, The Fond du Lac Reporter, Action Advertiser, and Area Mental Health Providers.

Many young children are naturally curious about sexual issues, and may engage in sexual play, touch their genitals, even while around other people, or ask direct questions about sexuality. However, sexual behavior in children often leaves parents shocked, worried, or embarrassed, not knowing how to react, what to say, or whether this kind of behavior is normal. Parents often cringe at the thought of talking to their children about sex, especially when their child is still a preschooler. The suggestions in this article are designed to help parents understand what kinds of sexual behaviors are normal for children at different ages, and how to use sexual behaviors as opportunities for talking about sex.

Child development experts agree that parents should start talking to their children about sexual issues when the children are still very young. This gives children the message that sex is an acceptable topic of conversation, and that they can come to their parents with questions about sex when they are curious or confused instead of relying on information from friends and media. It is important to establish a comfort level with the topic of sexuality for yourself and your children early on, and not put off the "big talk" until puberty. Children usually have sexual thoughts and feelings long before they become teenagers, and talking to them about sex early on, while they still look at parents as the "experts," helps them understand those feelings, and prepares them to make healthy decisions later.

Human beings have sexual feelings from birth on. Boys often have erections while still in the womb; infant girls already show signs of vaginal lubrication. Both male and female infants touch and rub their genitals because it provides pleasure. By their first birthday, on-third of all children have been observed to rub, touch, or otherwise stimulate their genitals. Between the ages of 2 and 5, half of the boys and a third of the girls masturbate. They are also naturally curious about their own and other people's bodies, and often enjoy running around in the nude. Many young children play "doctor" where they look at other children's genitals and show their own; they may want to watch other people undress, touch their mother's breasts or father's penis, or imitate adult sexual behavior, such as intimately kissing another child. This is normal curiousity and shouldn't cause alarm for parents, unless the behavior becomes excessive, or occurs with children who are much older or much younger. At about age 6, children often become more private about dressing and bathing, as well as masturbation, and sexual behavior is observed less frequently as children larn that self-stimulation is something they should do in private.

Occasional masturbation is normal and nothing to worry about. Children masturbate simply because it feels good. It is not physically harmful, and does not cause emotional problems unless parents and caregivers overreact and give children the message that sex is dirty, harmful, or frightening. When you see your child masturbating, use it as an opportunity to focus on both pleasure and privacy issues. Explain that you understand that masturbation makes him or her feel good, and that it is perfectly all right to masturbate privately in the bedroom, but not around other people. When you find your child undressed, playing doctor with another child or even trying to imitate sexual activity, such as lying on top of another child, try not to overreact with shock and anger. Instead, explain that just as others shouldn't be sexually touching them, they shouldn't be sexually touching others. Emphasize that it is okay for your child to touch him/herself in private but that it's never okay for others, even friends, to touch them that way.

Sexual behavior is a natural part of life from birth to death, and shouldn't be a subject of embarrassment or taboo for parents and children. There is no harm in talking to children about sexuality in age-appropriate ways, by providing simple yet accurate answers to their questions, teaching the correct names for male and female genitals, and using children's sexual behavior as opportunities for teaching about pleasure and privacy issues. Talking about sex does NOT make children and teenagers more likely to engage in sexual activity whereas withholding information until you think your child is "ready" can increase the chance that chlder will explore more on their own, go to others with less knowledge or different values than you, or accept inaccurate information as fact. Our children are already exposed to lots of sexual information through peers and media; not talking to them about these issues only increases the risk that they wil grow up with misinformation about sex which can make it more likely for them to experiment and take risks. Giving children accurate and e-appropriate information about sexuality satisfies their natural curiousity and prepares em to make responsible choices later. Studies have found that children whose parents regularly discussed sexuality with them before puberty were more likely to delay sexual activity as teenagers, and showed fewer risky sexual behaviors. Remember that open communication is the best way to help you ad your children stay connected and informed about important issues such as sexuality.

Parents are in a key teaching role to help prevent their children from being sexually abused. Parents often do not talk with their children about sexual abuse because they do not believe that their child is at risk. They also are fearful of frightening their child, or showing their own anxiety about the topic of sexual abuse. If a parent or close adult does not talk about sexual abuse, it is unlikely that any other adults will.

Although there is a great deal of controversy around the effectiveness of formal prevention education programs, especially for young children, sexual abuse prevention programs do not appear to hurt children.

Parents can learn about formal prevention education programs such as Protective Behaviors and use the principles with their children. The Protective Behaviors Program provides specific strategies for children to confidently face personal safety issues. For more information, call ASTOP at 926-5395.

The Fond du Lac County Department of Social Services is mandated by law to investigate allegations of child abuse and neglect. As part of this responsibility, the department must investigate all reports of sexual contact between children. In most cases, social services and law enforcement conduct a joint investigation.

The department's primary concern is with the victims. The department will assist the victim's family to ensure the safety of the victim, and help ensure the victim is referred for appropriate services. Should the departmet conclude that the victim is not safe, or the caretakers are unwilling to secure necessary services, a referral may be made to the District Attorney requesting that a CHIPS (Child in Need of Protection or Services) petition be filed. If social services determines that the victim is not safe in their home, they may remove the child from the home and place with relatives or other resources. A judge must then approve the placement.

Law enforcement assists the department with interviews of victims, and usually is the lead agency in interviewing the alleged offender. Police officials decide whether or not to refer the offender to the District Attorney for criminal or juvenile prosecution. If the offender is not an adult and is adjudicated by the court, the Department of Social Services is charged with providing services to the offender. The Court may allow the offender to remain at home, or order placement in an alternate care setting, up to, and including, a secure facility.

In 2000, the department completed 233 sexual abuse investigations and substantiated 62, or 26.6%. In 2001, there were 260 sexual abuse investigations and 125 substantiations (48%). In 2002, there were 328 investigations and 112 substantiations (34.1%). Of the 112 substantiations, 68 (60.7%) were determined to be non-coercive mutual sexual activity between children.

The Department of Social Services directly provides numerous services to victims and offenders. In many cases, there services are provided by order of the Court. The department makes referrals to, and works collaboratively with many public and private providers of psychological and psychiatric services.