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Children and DivorceHelping Your Children Through Difficult Times
By Jackie Block, MFT
Both nationally and internationally in the month of January the courts are hit with more filings for divorce than any other time of year. People believe the holidays are over, January is a time for a fresh start and they feel the impact on the children will be less.
Unfortunately, divorce is not easy on anyone, much less children. Some report that there is a 40% increase in anxiety disorders for children under age 18 when their parents divorce. There are very few children who state that they are happy that their parents have divorced. The long-term disruption as they go back and forth between parents, as well as the economic disadvantage has a long-term impact on everyone. There are some studies that show people on the brink of divorce who choose not go through with it, find themselves happier with their spouse five years later. Sixty percent of those who re-marry indicate that they are not happier in their second marriage.
It’s a myth to think that your spouse is responsible for your happiness. You need to take responsibility for your own happiness and create an environment where happiness is contagious. If you give to your spouse what s/he needs, you are more likely to get back what you need. For many, they give the best to their friends and co-workers leaving little for the ones at home. If you have tried to address the problems that have lead to the decision to divorce, but have found that divorce is the route you intend, the following are tips on helping your children. Know that how you conduct yourself will have a significant impact on how your children will manage the divorce.
Telling the Children
- If possible, plan on telling the children with your spouse present.
- Show respect for your spouse when telling the children that the two of you are divorcing.
- Reassure your children that they are loved by both of you and their relationship with each parent will continue.
- Children often feel that if they would have behaved better or done something different that their parents would not be divorcing. Let them know it is not their fault.
- Let them know as best as you can about changes in living arrangements, visitation schedules and when things will happen. Don’t overwhelm children with too many details and don’t think out loud while you process what may or may not work.
- Let them know that basic needs will continue to be met and routines will continue including breakfast being made, getting them to school, help with homework, etc.
The Impact of Divorce
Children do not always express how things are for them by using their words. Be aware of the child who withdraws, becomes clingy or regressive in behaviors;, has an increase in nightmares, suffers from a decrease in academic performance, changes peer groups, or is openly acting out. All of these can be ways that children react to divorce. These are all reasons to process the issues with your child and to seek professional help.
Let your children know that they can talk with you about their feelings. If they don’t feel comfortable talking with you or if you struggle with the issue, encourage them to talk with a trusted relative, friend, guidance counselor or other professional. Make sure they have a place to safely share their feelings.
Parent Code of Conduct
- Don’t argue with your spouse in front of the children, on the phone or anywhere within earshot of your children or your children’s friends.
- Don’t talk with your children about your spouse’s negative behaviors.
- Be as polite towards your spouse as you would be towards an acquaintance or co-worker.
- Don’t use the children as a go between. Talk directly with the other parent about concerns or issues. I recommend using a notebook that goes back and forth if the relationship is hostile. Write a few sentences about time with the children, school issues, any illnesses, and use it for any requests if face-to-face conversations don’t work. (Email can also lend to hostile interactions as people can usually type faster than they can write.)
- Don’t make the children feel disloyal if they are having fun with the other parent.
- Don’t give false hope about reconciliation.
- Don’t introduce them to a new love interest for one year after you have been divorced.
- Make visitation decisions based on the needs of the children (age and activities) rather than decision based on your time and who pays what for child support.
- Know that children often tell you what you want to hear. So if they say they didn’t like the meal at the other parent’s house, don’t start talking badly about the other parent. Just acknowledge what they said and move on.
Transitions
Make sure the children have enough time to settle in after time with the other parent. I recommend that you have some kind of routine about the return to your house. Try sitting for a few minutes together, having a snack and then putting things away & getting ready for bed. Try not to rush re-entry.
Be thoughtful with getting homework done when the children are at your house. Let them go to friends’ houses and continue with activities they enjoy. Their purpose is not to be there for you, it is to be children and to continue with the life, friends and activities they have.
Self-Care
Acknowledge the difficulty of the situation. Share your feelings with trusted adult friends. Make sure you get plenty of sleep, eat healthy & exercise. If you find yourself getting overwhelmed, seek professional help. Give yourself time before you start dating again.
Recommended Readings
Dinosaurs Divorce: A guide for changing families. Laurene
Krasney Brown.
Making Divorce Easier on Your Child: 50 Effective Ways to
Help Children Adjust. N. Long & R. Forehand.
How do I feel about: My Parent’s Divorce. Julia Cole
Quote of the Month
“The worst problems for children stem from parental conflict, before, during and after divorce or within marriage.”
~ Stephanie Coontz
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