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The 12 Days of Christmas
By Matthew Doll, Ph.D
What gifts will you give your children this year?
I understand that, to help the economic recovery, we are supposed to spend, and trust me, I am sure we will do our part. However, as a psychologist I know that “things” are not the way to happiness. Other gifts are actually linked to what Dr. Seligman calls “Authentic Happiness.”
The following is a list of 12 that have meaning to me. It is, however, more important that you generate your own list for yourself and/or your children. Truly think of what is important, how you can teach it, and try to be true to the”gift” by being a living example. What are your family values?
Wisdom. King Solomon asked for it. In the age of information I want to give my children the wisdom to be good consumers of information. To question the source of the information on which they make their decisions. Is there another way of looking at it? No one likes being manipulated into thinking or agreeing with a certain point of view. The line between factual information and opinion is bluring, and it takes wisdom to challenge our own assumptions and actively listen to opposing thoughts. We all can fall for “confirmatory bias”: to look for information that confirms our existing point of view and negate/ignore information that challenges it. Advertising is a multi-billion dollar business for the very reason that it does work. I want them to be critical of what they see and hear regarding advertising and news. Ask them “What do you think they are selling?” “Why do you think they made it look/sound that way?” “Are they sucking you in?” “How much do you think it will cost? Just three easy payments of $19.99?”
Common Sense. I want to give my kids the ability to see through the clutter and make logical decisions. Common sense is the father of long-term wisdom. If a news program presents statistics about how many people “called in” to agree with a point, what does that really mean? People responding obviously had too much time on their hands!
Acceptance of themselves and others. I was corrected recently by a friend and colleague, Dr. Aarti from India, who said that teaching “tolerance” toward others really implies superiority. We are all different. My son at 4, when asked why God made us all different replied, “So he could tell us apart!” The gift is in realizing that being different is a strength, not a weakness, and in the end we are all the same in so many more important ways.
Patience. This is always easier said than done, it seems. To have patience with our children is to recognize that they are a work in progress, as we all are. To look for the child you want to see, instead of being impatient with the one you don’t. Patience is taught by example: To show a child that, with time and effort, he or she can accomplish worthy goals; to wait for a driver who sits through the green arrow; to allow someone with fewer items in line to check out first; to take a deep breath and say ‘Let’s try that again” for the 100th time; to allow an athlete time to grow into his or her body versus cutting that child from the team because he or she is not an early bloomer; to listen to opposing points, even from our own children, with patience and understanding.
Ethics. That they would have the mental strength to choose the right thing, even when others do not. To question their actions and those of others, based on a disciplined review of what the potential risks and benfifts are to all concerned. To speak and act truthfully. To know that, while they can do something, it does not mean that they should do it. Is it really “just business” to crush others? My father, a brilliant salesman, said he would never talk negatively about the competition. We didn’t talk about “ethics,” but I came to understand that winning at any cost, is not winning. There are more important things. Integrity pays off in the long term, and it is nice to be able to sleep at night.
Passion. To be passionate about whatever they do. To try their best and to strive to reach for the most out of life. Fear of failure, negative thinking and avoidance of risk keep many of us from reaching beyond what we think we can safely do.
Service. If there is a sure way to increase self-esteem, it comes from serving others. A great holiday tradition that I read about was for the family to place on the tree “gifts” of service to others that they had done on behalf of the recipient. Donating time, treasure or talent to their favorite charity is a gift that gives over and over.
Fairness. When children (and adults) get angry, the number one thought, no motter the circumstance is “It’s not fair!” We tend to remind them that life is not fair, at least not by one individual’s standards. The gift is to help them act fairly to others. One way to teach this is by talking about competition. Healthy competition recognizes that to do my best, I need you to do your best. Treating others fairly keeps this relationship working.
Friendship. Amy Grant sings it best in her Christmas song, “Everyone should have a friend.” Empathy for others is one of the strongest predictors for success in adult life. To care for others outside of our family is a key developmental goal. I want to teach how to be a friend and how to keep a friend, as well as to be a good friend to ourselves. Encouraging kids to seek others that look like they need a friend and modeling good friendship skills, such as thoughtfulness and forgiveness are important skills.
Courage. Courage is having the strength to do the right thing when faced with difficult choices; peer pressure, “group think” (when everone goes along with the perceived group plan), standing up to a bully for yourself or others. Asking your child lots of “What would you do if..” questions and exploring their answers with them helps develop courage.
Humor. To laugh often at ourselves and our situation. When was the last time you shared a good laugh? How often do you laugh together? Life is way to short to be so serious. Joy in a moment, when we are present for that moment, with our child is a great gift.
Love. To sacrifice oneselve for another. Our lives, our time, our talent. To show unconditional love. To speak it often and wrap our children in it. To give your only Son in love to the world. Faith is the leap of love. Regardless of particular religious beliefs, to look for the best in each other. We are all God’s children. As Mother Teresa said, “to see the face of God in each of us.” ….
Merry Christmas!
Recommended Resources
Authentic Happiness: Using the New Positive Psychology to Realize Your Potential for Lasting Fulfillment by Martin Seligman
First Things First by Stephen Covey and A. Roger Merrill
The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families by Stephen Covey
The Children’s Book of Virtues by William J. Bennett and Michael Hague
What's Happening In the Community?
January Parent Education Night
Presented by Dr. Matthew Doll
SMSA Date and time TBD
Is this Normal? Adolescent Development
Presented by Dr. Sarah Arnold
Monday, January 17, 6 PM
Theisen Middle School, Fond du Lac
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