Doll & Associates, S.C. - Newsletter: Maintaining Healthy Boundaries

March 2004 Newsletter:

Maintaining Healthy Boundaries with Family, Friends, and Coworkers
by Anne Brunette, MSW

When you hear the word Boundaries, what comes to mind? Is it a fence around a house? Is it the limit of what you will allow your children to do? Is it the emotional distance you keep from others? These are all definitions of boundaries. Emotional boundaries are personal property lines that mark what is our responsibility and what is not. In your family, a boundary might be allowing your children to stay out until 10:00 p.m. With friends, it might be saying yes to helping them move to a new house but saying no to lending them money. In business relationships, healthy boundaries might be standing up to gossip or setting limits on what you will or will not do on the job.

We often learn about healthy boundaries in early childhood. It begins with bonding to our primary caretakers. In order to set healthy emotional and physical boundaries, we need to connect with someone who loves and cares for us while also maintaining a separate identity. Boundary development is, after all, about appropriate closeness and separateness, about being able to define what is me and what is not me. It is essential to learn to give and receive love while maintaining a sense of self, to say no without fear of loss of love, and to accept “no” from others.

Boundary problems occur when we fail to take responsibility for what is ours as well as when we do not allow others to have responsibility for what is theirs. For example, as parents, it is essential that we allow our children to learn from their mistakes. When our children choose to be irresponsible, we set good boundaries when we allow the consequences to fall on them. Failing to set boundaries or say no to others is one type of boundary problem that exists when we do anything that is asked of us, regardless of our time, energy, or expertise. Another boundary problem exists when we do not ever ask for help or support. We expect to do it all alone and put up walls to keep others out completely.

Not respecting others’ boundaries is another boundary problem. When we do not accept no from others and do not respect others limits we have this problem. We may try to control others and use aggression or manipulation to get others to do what we want. Finally, if we do not hear the needs of others or respond to them, we have boundary problems. We avoid being responsible to others. Being loving requires responding to others’ needs. People with this boundary problem do not take any responsibility for loving another person.

What are the qualities of relationships that have appropriate boundaries?

First, they are relationships in which each person can say no without fear of punishment. If you are able to set limits without worry about losing the relationship or being treated poorly, the relationship has good boundaries. On the other hand, if you worry about saying no, it may be time to look at what you fear about saying no. Do you fear loss of the relationship, the silent treatment, or an angry reaction? Positive relationships are those in which you can say both yes and no freely.

Second, one person does not rely solely on the other for all emotional needs. If a “no” from a friend means that you are devastated, it may be time to look more deeply at how you get your needs met. It is too much to expect that one single person can meet all of your needs for safety, security and love. Having internal strength and support from a variety of sources will allow you to set and accept boundaries more easily.

Third, each person takes responsibility for meeting their own needs, but are responsible to each other. As human beings, we have a responsibility to help each other when burdens become too heavy. When a family member, friend or co-worker is overwhelmed or going through difficult times, we are responsible to care for each other. However, when we take over someone else’s responsibility and do not allow them to do what they are capable of, we cross boundaries. Often times, when this occurs, we need to look at our motives, as we may do this more for our own gain than for the other person.

Fourth, each can ask for and accept help from the other without keeping score. Neither feels resentful about their part in the relationship. In strong relationships, there is give and take so each person feels cared about. They are able to share weaknesses so each feels loved for who they are without having to pretend they can do it all alone.

Finally, people in relationships with healthy boundaries say yes when they mean yes and no when they mean no. Being able to say and hear “no” is freeing because it means you are free to say and hear “yes” as well. You can be secure in the knowledge that when the other person says “yes”, they mean it. You trust that they are not burdened because if they were, they would say no!

As you explore your most important relationships, do they meet these qualifications whether they are family, friends, or work relationships? Do you feel taken advantage of or is there give and take? If you find yourself in a relationship with unhealthy boundaries, it may be time to take a closer look at the limits you are setting—or not setting. Remember, you can only change you, not the other person. Whether at home, with friends or in the workplace, healthy boundaries are the key to relationships that enrich your life rather than drain you of energy.

Setting Boundaries with Kids—Bedtime

Getting your children to sleep can be one of the first and most challenging boundary tasks to accomplish. It is an important because it sets the stage for other skills essential to help your children develop confidence and independence. Some brief guidelines follow to help get your child to sleep—and get some sleep yourself.