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Surviving Infidelity By Beth Rogers-Doll, Ph.D Have you been touched by infidelity? Perhaps you are the one who cheated, not the victim. For either person, the aftermath is probably the most gut-wrenching experience two married people can go through. Infidelity is a common problem that we see in clients who seek help in our clinic. Most of us provide marital therapy, so we routinely see couples struggling through the betrayal, guilt and anger of an affair. Below are some tips.
Timeline For Healing as a Couple There is no timeline for healing. In my practice, 6 months to 1 year is the average length it takes to get a couple back to stability. However, depending on the length of the affair and the involvement in the affair, it can take much longer.
Ironically, the person most interested in how long it will take for healing is usually the person who cheated. The ego can be fragile. Many who have cheated are nervous about how long they are going to have to live with the issue and are anxious to put it behind them.
Resist the temptation to push your partner to heal faster. If you do, the chances are good that you will delay healing, not speed it. The person who was cheated on typically needs to be the person who paces healing. If that is not the case, there can be long-term anger that prevents intimacy in the future. Common Reactions of the Unfaithful Spouse
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Tremendous guilt
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Lack of guilt/remorse
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Defensiveness about the affair
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Justifying infidelity
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Impatience with spouse’s misery
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Loss of self-esteem
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Making comparisons between spouse and paramour, usually negative
Common Reactions of the Betrayed Spouse
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Initially, shock
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Unusual mood swings from acute anger to acute sadness and erratic behavior
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Recurrent devastating images of the partner with the paramour
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Unusual need to control partner’s actions
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Tremendous mistrust/jealousy
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Loss of self-esteem and confidence
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Nausea, sleeplessness, appetite loss
Steps to Speed Healing (Partner who cheated):
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End the affair and end ALL forms of communication with the paramour (this includes text messaging, e-mailing, snail mail and carrier pigeon). If you cannot end the affair, you must admit that to your partner and offer a separation.
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Provide proof of this if your partner needs it.
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Provide open access to your partner of cell phone, computer, purse, wallet, etc. Remember that you have forfeited trust by showing your deceit.
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Answer any and all questions about the affair. Truthful answers will hurt, but are an immediate and important step to re-establishing honesty.
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Avoid defending your actions or trying to justify your cheating. This raises your partner’s mistrust. If you think you had a good reason to cheat, won’t you do it again?
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Put your focus into healing your partner’s emotional injuries. Your hobbies and interests may be on hold for 6 months to 1 year.
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Remain humble and do not ever say “Can’t you just get over it?”
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Be prepared to provide your partner with constant reassurance and support until your partner’s anxiety decreases. Remember that your partner’s anxiety was caused by your actions.
Steps for Healing (Partner who was cheated on):
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Take good physical care of yourself. Do not stop eating and sleeping. It is not unusual to need a short-term prescription for a minor tranquilizer.
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Do not tell your children about the affair. This is an act of vengeance that will hurt your children more than it hurts your partner.
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It is generally not helpful to you or your partner to tell all of your mutual friends. This is especially true if you would like to try to reconcile the marriage. Remember that these people have to be able to care about both of you if the marriage is to have a social life in the future.
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Do seek help from a mental health provider if you are in severe distress. It is often so painful for your family and friends that they cannot be at their best in helping you, especially your parents. A mental health provider usually has experience helping people recover from affairs. An experienced marital therapist can be an invaluable coach for both partners, advocating for mutual consideration during recovery.
Ingredients For Healthy Recovery From Affairs
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No more secrecy in the couple
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Honesty about all feelings
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Tight boundaries with opposite sex coworkers and friends
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Couple rewrites their marriage story together, integrating the affair, what they learned and how to avoid pitfalls in the future
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Couple avoids making children the center of their entire family life
Additional resources and facts:
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According to Shirley Glass, PhD, 56% of the men who had sexual affairs said that their marriages were happy, while only 34% of the women in sexual affairs reported happy marriages
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Check out our web site and smartmarriages.com for more resources regarding recovering from infidelity
Books On The Subject Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass
After the Affair and How Can I Forgive You? By Janis Spring |
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