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Direction and DistractionsWhere is your family going?
By Anne Brunette, MSW
Earlier this summer, we taught our son to ride his bike. This time, instead of doing the old, chase him and hold on, let go and see him fall on the hard cement, we started out on the grass on a hill that slopes slightly. (I think we learned this on “The Today Show” several years ago.) Then, he could concentrate on balance without peddling and if he did fall, it was a soft landing. It was much easier than the old way.
One thing that struck me as we were helping our son was when my husband told him to look in the direction that he wanted to go. Sure enough, if he looked straight, he naturally went straight. When he was distracted and looked at our daughter who was on the swing set, he and his bike turned left without even trying. He steered off course and fell.
How true this is in life: The direction we look tends to be where we go. There are many distractions along the way that can get us off track, especially if we are not actively working at staying focused. (Even while yelling, “Look straight, look straight!” our son still looked elsewhere!)
Often as individuals and in our work, we spend time planning ahead, creating vision statements, and focusing on the long-term, on what is most important. We sometimes neglect to do this in our families and with our children, although the distractions seem more numerous and potentially dangerous for our kids.
This simple concept learned while teaching our son to ride his bike was another reminder for us to figure out where we want to go, and to think about the distractions that get us off course. As parents, our job is to help our kids look in a positive direction and to help them stay on course without allowing harmful distractions to get in the way.
For example, if education is an important value to you that you would like to pass on to your children, you might look toward a future that includes college or continuing education past high school. You might read to your child daily, make sure they do their best on their homework, take them to museums, and reward them consistently for completing their work on time. While education is a long-term goal, the activities needed to accomplish it need to happen on a regular basis.
When distractions appear such as boredom, laziness, or friends with differing values, it can be challenging to keep focused on the goal of education. Even positive distractions such as sports and volunteer work can distract at times if they are not kept in perspective. Knowing what you want the “end point” to be can help minimize the distractions and the impact they have on your family. This means determining, writing down and reinforcing your values in your daily life.
Sometimes, life gets so busy that we do not take the time to notice that our children are looking somewhere we do not really want them to look and even taking us all in a direction we do not want to go. They often want to go in the direction of fun, ease, and entertainment. While these are not bad things in moderation, if allowed to be the guiding values of the family, they can lead to lazy, self-absorbed and unhappy children.
Consider what you want for your children and family in the long-term. What are those values and attitudes you want them to have throughout their lives? Do you want them to be productive, to be generous to others, to love learning, to be active, healthy, kind? If you know where you want to end up, you can begin to create activities and experiences that produce those attributes in your children. Without looking forward, it is easy to get distracted and go in a direction you do not want to go.
Often the values of society, culture and family soak into our children and we may not even be aware of it. Values and attitudes develop on a day-to-day basis with each experience and relationship. Television, movies, video games and other people influence our children and can teach them things like anger, violence, selfishness, and lack of consequences. If this is not what you want them to learn, you need to be pro-active and set the direction in your family and limit distractions. This is a daily job of parents.
The Family Wellness program (www.familywellness.com) is an excellent resource that helps families set a positive direction for themselves. Regular family meetings are a great way to check in and make sure your family is looking in the direction you want to go. Being together, having fun, making plans and solving problems are the goals of the meetings. Each person has the opportunity to share how they see things and what they would like to see different, as well as to discuss ideas about having fun together. When the tone of the meeting is positive and when they happen regularly, they can be a great way to connect and prevent problems.
Remember; don’t let the distractions of life pull your family in a direction you don’t want to go. Pay attention to what you are bringing into your household through television, computer and video games. When you look in the direction you want to go, and do daily activities that reinforce your values, your family will be rewarded!
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