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To Win or Not To WinHealthy Competition?
By Greg Henderson, MSSW
“It’s not whether you win or lose, it’s how you play the game” versus “Winning isn’t everything, it’s the only thing.” We live in a society that motivates through competition. Even our schools have student comparison charts on the bulletin board and Bees to determine who knows the material best. The focus has shifted from who knows things well to who knows things best. The Torah has a term for this that is not complimentary: mitkabed bekalon chaveiro, It means gaining respect through another’s disgrace. If all I have to do to be successful is beat you, it’s a lot easier to make sure you do worse than me rather than work hard to be better than you. The result: Students will not push themselves to truly reach their maximum potential if all they have to do to succeed is defeat someone else.
What happens to the less able students who realize they cannot win the competition? What is their motivation to excel and do their personal best? Does it make sense to reward the brightest students or best athletes for easily winning rather than the less capable who are doing their best?
As an example, in professional sports every team begins the season determined and believing they will win the championship. Yet, in the end, everyone realizes only one team can claim the victory podium. Every other team will look back on the season and think it has been a failure.
Our society leads us to the belief that unless you’re the best, you’re not worth much. When kids choose sides on the playground or in gym class, do they try to even out the teams so it will be a fair competition or do they get the best players in order to win the contest? And how does the last child chosen feel when nobody wants him? I guess you would have to be the last picked to actually know!
Yes, there should be competition – but the focus should shift to ourselves. Winning does not have to primarily be about defeating someone else. It should be about putting forth effort and working towards improving one’s personal best individually or as a collective team.
For children, winning may be the least important aspect of positive growth and development. Competition can help a child develop confidence and enjoy the experience, or it can slow development and make the experience extremely difficult and disappointing. How a child experiences competition will depend on what he or she hears in terms of a parent’s or coach’s expectations.
Besides influencing self-esteem, competition can enhance or deter the development of leadership, character, discipline, self-confidence, self-improvement and the concept of teamwork. Paul Stricker, MD notes that research has shown the single most important factor for lowering the stress due to the pressure to perform is “the fun experienced by children, whether they win or lose.” When a child senses or hears high levels of expectations, he or she can become fearful of not being able to live up to those expectations.
In his book, “Sports Success Rx,” Paul Stricker, MD provides several suggestions as to how parents and coaches can help ensure that children don’t get so obsessed with winning they stop having fun – and stop growth through sports participation.
- Beware of all the pressure to perform. Do not have unrealistic expectations. Do not be the source of more pressure by trying to rush your child’s accomplishments.
- Understand development. Many unrealistic expectations occur because parents and coaches don’t appreciate and understand a child’s development necessary to run, jump, catch, throw, hit and shoot. A child’s developmental growth occurs in a sequence of stages as a child matures. Such growth occurs uniquely and individually in the child. This individual development involves physical, chemical and mental changes within each child and is an ever evolving process.
- Redefine success. Do not focus on the end result. Children need to learn that doing their best and improving their skills is what is most important. In reality, success involves children competing to improve upon their previous success not as compared to other kids.
- Keep it positive. Encourage kids to have fun. Fun serves an important purpose by maintaining a child’s interest. Children learn best by positive reinforcement. Positive reinforcement helps to not only improve skills but builds confidence that will last a lifetime. Make sure that any correction is positive.
- De-emphasize winning. When kids relax about outcomes, they tend to improve their skills, develop better physical fitness and build better self confidence.
- Teach sportsmanship. Learning to show respect, dignity and appreciation for others teaches a child valuable life lessons about him or herself.
- Give encouragement freely and often. Build excitement and enjoyment not pressure and stress. While some children need little positive reinforcement, others need more positive feedback to understand that doing their best is a good thing, regardless of the result.
Competition can be and should be an opportunity to teach good character. As parents and coaches, it is our responsibility and primary purpose to assist our children in character development.
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Stricker, Paul R., MD, FAAP “Sports Success Rx! Your Child’s Prescription for the Best Experience, How to Maximize Potential AND Minimize Pressure." American Academy of Pediatrics.
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